Live from the Mothership

White Night

2011-09-09T04:09:00.003-04:00

I am having a white night, as Emily Byrd Starr would say. That is to say, it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep, so instead I am thinking downer thoughts, and the whole 4 a.m. -ness of the situation makes everything seem much, much worse than it really is. So in true Emily fashion, I think I shall try to "write it out."

First things first, I think my state of unemployment is causing me to lose it, just a bit. I am not dealing with it in healthy ways, either. I need to cut out the drinking entirely, for one. I shouldn't be drinking anyway, with the diet, and it certainly doesn't help me in any way.

But being unemployed is really taking its toll. It's hard. My social interaction is extremely limited, and I can only clean the house so many times before the tasks involved lose their luster. I like having a clean house, but it's a pretty lame-o way to spend your time all day, every day.

So I talk to basically no one all day, maybe do the dishes and some laundry, sometimes prepare dinner, read a book, apply to as many jobs as seem promising (usually averaging about one per day), listen to the phone not ring. I think I am getting depressed. I need something to DO. I need somewhere to go. I need someone to talk to.

Also in my white night situation, I am feeling unliked. I've just been going through a bunch of stuff in derby that is making me feel like maybe the league would prefer that I just not be there. Unsavory tasks are okay for me to do, but if I want to do anything else -- anything fun or worth some points -- I have to compete with and ultimately lose to other league members, in some cases even ones who just joined (literally) yesterday because no one wants to work with me.

So that stuff makes me feel unliked, and I've also just had the feeling lately that I've been unintentionally dickwadish lately, to lots of people. It's no secret that I'm not the most skilled socially, but I honestly wonder if I don't have a tiny touch of Asperger's or something. I genuinely can't determine whether I have been socially awkward or just plain weird or even a jerk in some situations. I hope I haven't been, and I certainly haven't meant to be offensive, but I just can't tell sometimes. And it's worse to suspect you might be a jerk or have stepped in it but not know than it is to have zero social skills and remain, presumably, blissfully ignorant.

And finally, I am feeling fatty mcfat fat. I am having a hard time staying on my diet/exercise program, and I think it's depression. Ever try to lose weight while depressed? Don't. I feel like the effort is pointless sometimes, or I try and try only to lose to a bottle of wine, or there's just nothing else to do with my time but eat.

I'm not quite sure how to crawl out of this, other than trying trying trying to find a job, already. I've signed up with two temp agencies and applied to over 20 jobs. I shall keep on keepin' on in the meantime, I guess.

So that's tonight's white night stuff. I hope in the morning things seem better. Emily, don't fail me now!

Because I'm Worth It ("It" not being L'Oreal)

2011-09-06T11:40:00.002-04:00

I've been home from the bike trip for about a month now, and have been applying and applying and applying to jobs. Not even an interview yet. I'm hoping to get a call this week (an unemployed friend of mine said it takes about a month for the calls to start coming in), and I'm still plucking away at it.

But unemployment has basically turned my life upside down. I get up late (after 9 a.m. usually), hang around in my pajamas all day, apply for some jobs, do a little cleaning, read, and then make dinner for Dean. All that is in no particular order, except for the dinner making part. Sometimes I go grocery shopping, too, but most days I don't leave the house before Dean gets home, and most days I have my pajamas on until well into the afternoon.

That is stopping today. I decided that I need to take better care of myself, and in my current condition of unemployed housewife, that means the following:

Get up and go for a run first thing every morning.
After said run I will shower, fix my hair and put on makeup (at least my spf 17 foundation and mascara)
Get dressed after shower in real, non-pj clothes
Look for jobs and apply to any good fits (I am doing this now, but in my pajamas)
Leave the house at least one time per day - today I am going grocery shopping, tomorrow to the library
Do housework as time allows and needs dictate
Start dinner before Dean gets home
Repeat

I think having some structure and routine will really help me feel better. It's hard to feel aimless and not have any human interactions all day. I could never telecommute.

And it's nice to think that, even though I don't have a job right now, I am still worth the time and effort required to take care of my body (run) and mind (get out at least once a day) and appearance. I deserve to look and feel good and have some sort of schedule to keep me sane, so that's what I'm doing.

Also, yay! I am glad to be back on this blog. It feels good to write again.

That's Why The Lady-Child Is A Tramp

2011-04-21T14:03:00.004-04:00

I warn you now. This is going to be a long, winding, crazy rant. Read on if you wish, but be warned.

This article has been all over facebook recently. Even my closest friends have been posting it. The title alone -- "Parents, Don't Dress Your Girls Like Tramps," immediately bothered me.

I read the article, and it really took me awhile to figure what was it about it, exactly, that really, really irked me.

There are certainly parts of it that I agree with -- like, for example, that parents usually buy the clothing that their children wear. I also agree that items like thongs and push-up bras for tweens are inappropriate, as they are products specifically designed to elicit sexual arousal, and therefore do not belong on children. Further, I agree that money talks, and companies will sell what we buy.

So what's the problem? Why did I still super hate this article?

Well, the judgey mcjudgerson tone, for one. Clearly the author has the moral high ground, and the parents who dress their child like a "tramp" (yeah, we'll come back to that) are morally wrong. In a later video in which he addresses some comments he received, he refers to parents as "pimps." This completely disregards the possibilities that, for example, the parents are poor and the clothes are ill-fitting hand-me-downs, or maybe even that the parents don't see their child as a sexual object (shock!).

For the author to feel the way he does, he must have been viewing children as sexual objects. Creeeeepy. There are cultures in which children don't wear clothing at all, and everyone goes naked until puberty. And it's not a problem, because they don't sexualize their children. Kids are seen as kids.

And what about our boys? Should we dress our boys as tramps and that's okay? Oh, wait. No. You'd never use the term "tramp" about a boy, because they enjoy male privilege, in which a full set of double standards allows them to live their lives however they choose (as long as they don't act too girly, of course).

"Tramp" is one of the many special terms used to shame sexually active females. Putting it in an article like this not only inappropriately sexualizes children, but reinforces the idea that females need to subscribe to rigid moral rules about how to live their lives and those who do not follow those rules need to be shamed. It says, "little girls ... we're watching you. You don't even need to engage in the offending activity (sex). We can teach you at a young, young age the acceptable ways to behave in our disgustingly misogynistic patriarchy. And we'll happy slam you with the "tramp" label as young as we can to get our point across. Shame on you, little girls. And shame, shame on you, parents. Why aren't you teaching your daughters the right, acceptable way to dress and act and live in our society? Pimps, all of you."

This article reinforces everything we know about how female bodies are seen as sexual objects, even before they reach sexual maturity.

And it's true that I would not buy those kinds of products for my kids, because I won't want my children to be seen as sexual objects. But it's sad and disgusting where we live in a world where I have to think about that. It piggybacks onto the whole "she was asking for it" idea that says women have to dress conservatively because men can't control themselves. If a man sees a scantily dressed woman, of course he is going to sexually assault her, because he has no control over himself and it's up to the woman to protect herself by dressing defensively. (WTF?!?!) And now we have to worry about this with our children? Do we have to assume that dressing children in short shorts and a tank top will cause men to see them sexually? That's not only gross and wrong-headed, it's completely unfair to men.

And that's the thing about misogyny. There are aspects of it that are almost as unfair to men as they are to women. Men can control themselves. They can prevent sexual assault (you know, by not committing it and discouraging others from committing it). And men can look at children wearing skimpy clothing and not see them as a sexual object. Men can be (and, frankly, are) responsible for their own actions.

So, in short:

--Tramp is a slanderous, sexist, shaming term that the author applies to children
--The author sees children as sexual objects
--Girls are singled out, reinforcing our patriarchal society's double-standard and burden on women
-- It blames parents for dressing their children "wrong," rather than blaming the person who looks at the child and sees a sexual object
-- Misogyny hurts everyone

And that's why I hated this article.

Tick Tick Boom?

2011-04-18T09:07:00.003-04:00

It's almost time to go on the bike trip! 25 days left to go.

I have A LOT to do between now and then (both related to the trip and not related). Such as:

Finish a few work projects
Make and go to doctors appts. (need to be in tip top health before leaving!)
Officially change name
Change car registration to MD
Finish buying gear for trip
Get in more training rides (some fully loaded rides too)
Practice Packing
Go to derby practice
Bout April 30
Get captains' and Loli's gift for end of season party ready (this week!! aaaah!)
CLEAN house
decide if we want someone to sublet/house sit
finalize housing for The Boo w/ Allison

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can think of for now. It feels pretty overwhelming. I guess I should go get cracking!

Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now!

2011-04-12T09:26:00.003-04:00

... We're on the move!

Wow. I can't believe we're actually doing this bike trip. I don't even know how long I've been talking about it, but I think Joy and I first started thinking about it in high school or early college.

And it was never real. (Not like our 40th b-day Kilimanjaro trip will be!) It was just stuff we talked about. And I forgot about it for awhile. In my mid-20s I made a new friend who thought it was a great idea, and I was back on board ... making plans, thinking maybe it might happen. But that fell through, too. So I even started looking around on the Adventure Cycling Association's message boards, thinking I might go with a total stranger (don't worry, mom, I wasn't serious). I had bike fever, but I couldn't go. I was missing one thing I really needed to make it happen.

Dean!

I love Dean so much. You all know this. But one of the things that I love about him is his 100% willingness to go along with my crazy schemes, combined with the practical know-how to make them reality. "Run a marathon with you even though I've only ever run 2 miles? Sounds good," says Dean. "Drop our normal lives like a bad habit and ride a bicycle for 3 months coast to coast? Count me in!"

I like to talk and fantasize about travels and fun stuff. A lot of the time, I follow through, but a lot of the time I don't. Dean follows through. Dean is SERIOUS. Dean doesn't say he's going to do something unless he really is going to do it. He means it. He will study and research and figure out the best way to do it, and follow through 100%.

I'm glad. I need his seriousness and his dedication and his enthusiasm to keep me on board.

Really, I'm very excited. But I've been worrying a lot lately too. Lots of things could go wrong. It's a HUGE financial risk, and there's certainly personal safety concerns too. But when I talk to Dean about my concerns, rather than saying, "You've roped me into a dangerous trip that could leave us financially ruined?" he instead calms my fears. He's pretty cool.

So my fears are calmed, and we are about 30 days out! We are in the middle of our super great bike repair course, the Park Tool School at the Rockville Revolution Cycles. We are learning a ton. And we just did a 40 mile training ride this weekend that went very well.

I am beginning to feel like we can do this. We are going to do this! I can't believe we are going to do this!

Movin' On Up!

2011-03-31T10:45:00.006-04:00

I am getting better at derby!

I plateaued, I think, for pretty much all of season 5, and now that it's over (d'oh!), I'm improving.

Turns out, I'm not a bad jammer! Over the past several scrimmages, I have "won" way more jams than I've lost. I've beaten Free Rad, Cheker, and Jill in jams, among others. LOTS of people have commented on what a surprise good jammer I am. I wonder if perhaps I am more of a jammer than a blocker. Doesn't matter. CBB will never jam me unless all our jammers are injured and we're up by 1000 points. Probably not even then. We have the best jammers on the league, so even if I'm getting better, I don't see myself getting that good. But I do think I am developing the Dayum/Solie jam advantage of just powering through and being tough to knock down. Obviously I'm not as good as they are, but I'd like to think I'm moving in that direction. Hopefully I can get some CapOffs jamming in to work on it more. Jamming skills are good to have, no matter what position you play.

Blocking-wise, I've also improved. Nothing sounds sweeter to my ears than the panicked jammer screech of, "SOMEBODY GET ON PEACHES!" Hah. I am hitting harder, timing better, and really working on moving urgently through the pack to best help my jammer, or stop theirs. I still whiff some, of course, and I really need to work hard on quick recovery from falls, but I think I am effective. I am definitely much better than I was at the start of the season.

We informally rank ourselves and each other on a 1-5 scale, with 5 being a superstar and 1 being just a body on the track. I started this season as a 2, and I think I'm ending it as a 3. I hope others would agree. Yay! My goal is to move up one rank number per season. I joined CBB as a 1 in season four, was a 2 for most of season five, and hopefully will start season six as a 3. I hope the bike trip helps instead of hurts.

In fact, I am a bit worried about the bike trip. I KNOW it will be beyond awesome, and I am really, really excited about it. But I think it's a shame that it comes now, right when I feel like I am coming into my own with derby. Don't get me wrong, the bike trip is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and I am still 100% up for it, and excited about it. I just wish I could do both simultaneously! Hopefully the bike trip will get my legs all ripped(er) and slim me down some so I can come back as a killing machine for season six!

How I Know I'm an Introvert

2011-03-25T09:28:00.003-04:00

This morning I was getting my breakfast at Firehook. My bagel was toasting, and a woman I know from work walked in to get her coffee or whatever. I like her a lot, but we don't see each other or talk much.

She was leaving just as my bagel was toasted. I could have walked out with her. I chose not to. In fact, I chose to futz around the place, mixing my coffee better and grabbing extra napkins, etc. --on purpose -- long enough that not only would I not have to walk out with her, but that I wouldn't have to ride with her on the elevator.

As I approached the glass door leading to the elevators, I heard it ding and glanced to see her getting on. I then ACTUALLY HID a few moments, so she wouldn't see me and hold the elevator door. Once it was safely closed, I went out and pushed the button so I could go back to my office in peace.

And this is someone I like! I just didn't want to have to make friendly small talk all the way back to my desk. I really hate the small social rules we have to follow all the time.

Anyway, people I know well are often surprised that personality tests peg me as an introvert. I am not at all quiet or shy around people I feel comfortable with, but I try to avoid even the smallest interactions with people I don't know well. I will, in fact, go out of my way to avoid talking to even friendly acquaintances.

And that's how I know I'm an introvert.

Shopping Spree!!

2011-03-22T13:46:00.003-04:00

I've been spending, spending, spending to get ready for this bike trip! Holy moly.

Things bought:
Front rack
Quick dry towel
Fancy SPF clothing
Bungee cords
Kevlar-belted tires
Padded shorts
Cleat Covers
Bike Gloves

And we're still 2 months out with plenty of things still to buy. I really need to get panniers and another pair of shorts. And high quality sunglasses and a bedroll / sleeping pad. And tubes for my new bike. Oh, so much to do and buy!

I've also planned our first two days' route! We'll be staying at Sapna's the first night, and at Teri and Alex's the second night. So psyched!

52 days to go.

The major concern at this point is that we still haven't received our federal tax refund, and it's been over 3 weeks since we filed. :( We really need that money. Fingers crossed!

Going the Distance

2011-03-16T14:48:00.004-04:00

I have updates and random things I want to talk about. So many that I may not get to them, or maybe I'll just post a smidge. A teaser, if you will.

1) Derby! I feel like I am doing well again. We've had three really successful scrimmages, in which I've hit a lot, hit hard, leveled jammers, and jammed myself. I even beat out Free Radical (we were both jamming) TWICE in scrimmage last night. I mean, obvs Rad is still a hojillion times better than me, and she was skating with a mix of new skaters and travel team, but it still gave me a confidence boost that I think I really needed. I actually hope I get a chance to jam in a real bout sometime, maybe if we're winning by more than 50 pts.

I am feeling so great about derby right now. Times like this, I feel like I absolutely do not want children, and I just want to play derby until my body falls completely apart. If I still want kids then, we can adopt. The thought of leaving derby next year is terrifying and heartbreaking all at once. So I won't think about that now. As Scarlett says, "I'll think about that tomorrow." At Tara.

Also, my whole team is running a 5k next month in uniform. I am so excited!!

2) Video Games. I was talking to Dean awhile back about women and video games. Yes, again. What I wondered is why video games aimed at women suck so much. I mean, they just came out with a game based on a ridiculous romance novel in which you plan a wedding. Really?

Basically, I like the same games he does, but I'd like them to be overall less violent and disgusting. I like the puzzles and I even like combat to an extent. I like exploring the worlds. I feel like game creators make an assortment of games to cater to every possible male taste, but to bring in women, they give us this:

Would you play this game?

So I just bought Stacking and Epic Mickey, both of which I was really excited about playing. They both got lots of positive reviews, and they both are good games. Epic Mickey is actually a great game, but I feel like it holds your hand a little too much. Stacking is fun, and I love how different it is in terms of look and feel, and I think it's a great, fun concept, but I feel like it's basic and largely repetitive. But both are a move in the right direction, in my opinion, for bringing more women into the gaming market.

3) Weighty Issues. I have kinda given up on losing weight. Again. I know I shouldn't even bother, and I should just love my body the way it is and reject societal beauty standards. But it's so hard! And I want other people to think I'm attractive and I want to look good for Dean and that's probably really shallow, but whatever. And I haven't given up 100%. We'll see what happens, I guess. Ugh. I wish I could just be naturally 110 lbs no matter what I eat. It would be so easy to be a fat advocate if that were the case, and I wouldn't have these awful internal battles.

4) Bike trip. Barring a major derby injury (or really any kind of major injury), the bike trip is on. I'm planning to leave my job in mid-May, and Dean and I will hit the road for 3 months. I am really excited and really terrified. What if we fail? What if I don't even make it up that first mountain? What if it sucks and we're miserable? What if it rains the whole time? What if it's boring and we have nothing to talk about? What if I can't find a job when I come back and we're broke? Oh, there's so much to worry about!

I think that about covers it. I have major senioritis at work right now, knowing I have less than 2 months to go!

Woebegone

2011-03-08T14:49:00.003-05:00

Well, this sucks.

My workplace is for sale, and everyone is jumping ship.

There's a tree growing into our water pipes, causing them to crack.

The plumbing costs a ton of money, which I hope will not prevent us from doing the bike trip.

We need to get ready for the bike trip.

My derby team might fall apart due to possible league restructuring.

I don't want to do anything. Nothing. Zip. I want to sit home and stare at the ceiling.

I am stressed out.

Lauren Zizes

2011-02-16T15:24:00.004-05:00

Lauren Zizes is a new character on Glee.

Puck (the hot rebel) talked her into joining the glee club at the last minute when the club needed new members to meet the show choir member minimum for regionals.

Lauren is fat. She is portrayed on the show as tough (or, as Puck puts it, "badass") and unapproachable. She is critical of everyone and has a hard exterior.

Puck is a mohawked, seemingly dangerous tough guy. In the last episode of "Glee," it came out that he had the hots for Lauren. He sang "Fat Bottomed Girls," to her as a love song to show his affection.

She was understandably unimpressed. He was even further attracted to her because she was hard to get. He tried again, she pushed away again. Wash, rinse, repeat. She has told him a hundred ways that she's not interested. He keeps trying. He tells her he doesn't understand. After all, he's into her curves...

I wasn't sure how I felt about this whole plot line. On the one hand, I found it annoying that Puck couldn't just take the hint. What? Just because she's fat and you're popular, it's okay not to take no for an answer? Hardly. On the other hand, it's great to a TV show that has a plausible subplot in which a super hot popular guy is interested in a fat girl, and the fat girl doesn't fall all over him with gratitude for looking her way.

In the most recent episode, Lauren is shown at wrestling practice, where she is clearly very skilled. Not only is she shown as having obvious athletic prowess (and shown doing something other than sitting on the couch eating chips, which is all most TV will show us of fat people), the wrestling scene is clearly meant to be a sexy scene. Puck gets turned on watching her wrestle.

So I guess I come down on the cautiously optimistic side. Glee hasn't really handled the new character ideally -- we have no back story for her, her character isn't well developed, we have no idea why she's so shut down/angry/tough. But it's so damn rare to see fat people in TV/movies portrayed as anything other than disgusting or lazy or cautionary tales (I'm looking at you, "Wall-E") that I can't help but root for Lauren and fat teens everywhere.

Deep down, I hope she and Puck become an item, even if only briefly, and strictly on her terms. But I'd be cool if she never gave him the time of day, too. I just don't want to see her fall all over him.

While she's not a well-developed character yet, what we do know is that she's a strong, sexual, fat female. That's enough for now. Thanks, Glee.

News and Sundry

2011-02-08T09:21:00.004-05:00

Just thought I'd post an update.

I posted not too long ago about resolutions. The gym thing lasted exactly one day. I know, I know, I should be doing it. Really, I should.

That one day was really great!

I have been doing the WW thing and have lost 13 lbs. So there's that. One out of two is actually pretty bad, but better than none.

On the derby front, I was benched from the last bout. It sucked for a lot of reasons. Mostly it sucked because I had been feeling really good about my skills -- like I could really see/feel the improvement. Getting benched is a real blow to the confidence. But it was just my turn, and that's fine. The really sucky part is that it was the last bout of the season, so there may not be any more opportunities for me to bout until next season. That's SEVEN LONG MONTHS of training for what seems at the time like no reason at all.

As for the bike trip, we are coming ever closer! I now have a touring bike and I'll test it out this weekend on a shortish ride with Dean. Maybe we can go 10 miles or something, just to see how my new bike fits, etc. I am hoping that by the start of the trip I will have lost something approaching 40 lbs (let's say at least 35) so that there's weight to haul around on the bike.

Moving on to a social life update... Sapna has a new man who seems pretty cool. I met him a few weeks ago, and he seems perfect for her, so I have my fingers tightly crossed. She seems happy, which is really great. Also, Dean and I are having a "brisket party" this month to celebrate the acquisition of a smoker (Christmas gift from my parents). The whole DC crowd will be invited, including Magnus, which is great because he often feels left out.

Overall, life is just amazingly happy. It almost scares me, because I know it can't be this happy forever. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will something horrible happen on the bike trip? Will we not be able to find jobs when we get back and suffer financial ruin? I want to be happy like this always, but I know it's impossible, so I'm trying very hard to appreciate it now. Happy!

2010. Best. Year. Ever.

2011-01-06T15:06:00.007-05:00

2010, I will miss you. You were just perfect.

The following awesome things happened in 2010 (in chronological order):

1) I got drafted to the Cherry Blossom Bombshells (CBB 4 Eva!).
2) Dean bought a house and we moved in together.
3) I ran the Shamrock marathon in Virginia Beach.
4) I started a new, much better job.
5) Dean's family visited DC for a few weeks, and a good time was had by all.
6) I went to San Francisco a lot for that new, better job. San Fran rules.
7) We went to the mountains, listened to some awesome bluegrass, and rode a pirate party boat with Cap'n Pissgums (Dean's dad) to celebrate Dean's 30th birthday.
7) Joy came to visit. We saw old friends and got tipsy.
8) Dean proposed, and I accepted!
9) We went to Puerto Rico for vacation and swam with bioluminescent dinoflagellates!
10) Dean and I dressed up like a pirate (me) and a parrot (him) for halloween. We went to lots of great halloween parties.
11) I led my team in jammer takeouts for the November 2010 bout! So proud!
12) Thanksgiving with the family was fun and relaxing. Dean can really wield a light saber.
13) Sapna and Joy came to Rockville early to help me get ready for the wedding. We had vegetarian Chinese food and lots of laughs.
14) Dean and I got married!!!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
15) We hosted Schumacher Christmas together, and enjoyed great food and lots of present opening.
16) The whole gang attended my mom's Christmas eve party. Candy and liquor were enjoyed by all.
17) We celebrated my 32nd birthday by ushering in a New World Order (9 giant 4th-of-July grade fireworks) in the front yard.

Beat that, 2011.

Resolution Time!

2011-01-05T16:25:00.004-05:00

So, I had a *fantastic* Christmas and a meh New Year's Eve. But I didn't build NYE up, so it was no big deal. I think the important part is not making ridiculous expectations.

And Christmas really was great. We set off the New World Order in the front yard. The kids were crazy on candy and the adults were crazy on liquor. A good time was had by all.

But now it's the new year. And I can't help making new year's resolutions. I just can't help it. I know they've been proven to be detrimental to your mental health and that they're always unrealistic, but I can't help wanting to be better for a new year, usually after weeks of holiday debauchery.

So this year I have just two. And very much unlike last year, they are diet and health related. I know. I know. Here they are:

1. Go to the gym every day at lunch, regardless of whether or not I have derby that night.

2. Go on Weight Watchers to help rein in my eating.

It's not a diet goal, like "I will lose 20 lbs." Of course I hope to lose weight. I still believe in fat rights. I am still a fat advocate. But the thing about fat acceptance is that when you have fat acceptance, your security and good feelings about yourself and confidence and approval come from within. And you can do your part to change the minds of others.

But if you lose weight (assuming you are not predisposed to anorexia and assuming your self worth doesn't come solely from your appearance), your security and good feelings about yourself and your confidence and approval come from within and without. I choose both over just one.

I think one of the major problems with mainstream culture's obsession with size and diets is that it makes people believe that they are worthless if they're not thin. It really vilifies fat people and fatness. But I feel like I got good with myself heavy, if that makes sense. I know I am awesome at any size. I have that confidence. I am not driven to change my diet and exercise because of self-hate. And I think that makes all the difference.

Who knows if I'll stick with it. Odds are squarely against me. But I feel good about it for now. And if I don't lose weight, I won't hate myself. I'll try to still eat right and exercise, though. It's important for everyone at every size for a happy, healthy life.

Sadie, Sadie

2010-12-08T10:12:00.004-05:00

I'm back!

Sorry for the long hiatus. I was busy with a zillion things, chief amongst which was getting married. And now I am!

The wedding was beautiful and I am so happy. I love Dean so much. I can't believe I didn't cry my eyes out at the ceremony, but I was mostly focusing on not falling down. I was so keyed up my legs were shaking and the floor was very slippery!

Anyway, I am now Mrs. Hot Hot Dean (ha!), and I couldn't be happier!

I hope to post a little more often in the future. :)

Giving Up

2010-10-08T11:42:00.004-04:00

I was really bummed about losing our bout last weekend. I mean *really bummed*. I cried. And cried. And cried. I even cried about it today a little, almost a full week later.

I didn't play well. I felt like losing was my fault. And I went to every practice in September. I worked my ass off, and felt like I didn't see any improvement. It was hard. It just felt like every sports related failure I've had in my life. There have been a lot.

People tell you that if you work hard, you'll see the results. You'll succeed. And with athletics of all types, all my life, I work, and work, and fail. Lots of failures. So I stopped trying, and stopped caring. I switched to sports where I was only competing with myself. And then I lost to myself.

I found derby, and felt fired up again. I wanted to win. I wanted to succeed. I worked and worked. I worked at practice, outside of practice, thought about strategy, dreamed about winning.

I failed my safety assessment. I vowed that I would show them that they were wrong. I was going to work the hardest and be the best. Eventually, I passed my WFTDA.

Then I was passed over for the draft twice. I was upset about it. I felt unliked and unwanted. I vowed I would prove them all wrong for not picking me. I mostly just embarrassed myself.

Snap took pity on me finally and drafted me. I wish I could say I was an asset to the team, but I'm not really. I'm just a body on the track. I want to be great at this. I am willing to work. I'm just not getting there.

I hate not being athletic. I hate that no matter how hard I work, there's just no natural talent there. I work twice as hard to do half as well as anyone else. It's hard, it's embarrassing. I hate that other teams breathe a sigh of relief when they see me on the track.

And I just don't know what to do. I've worked hard, and it hasn't paid off. Do I just give up? Come to terms with the fact that sports are just not for me? I'm starting to feel like that might be the best thing.

A Big Ol' BOOYA to My Fat-Hating OBGYN

2010-09-23T14:07:00.003-04:00

Cholesterol, sugar levels, triglycerides - NORMAL.

Suck it, bitchface.

Ask And You Shall Receive!!

2010-09-17T13:07:00.004-04:00

JUST YESTERDAY I said, "I wish there was a movement for someone like me, too."

Which was to say, a movement for someone with (what I hope are) thoughtful, nuanced opinions; who strives to understand and tries to avoid knee-jerk hatred reactions.

Because I'm *not* mad as hell about the way the government is going, but I am starting to get pretty furious about the extremism and polarization in this country.

And now, the man I wish I could be, Jon Stewart, has given us this. I freaking love Jon Stewart.

The Rally to Restore Sanity is being marketed as a rally for the rest of us. It's a rally for people (for the majority, really) who aren't heard because they don't spend their time screaming.

I think this is going to be huge. And I am going to be there.

Oh, Tea Party

2010-09-16T13:17:00.005-04:00

I've been listening to Glenn Beck lately. This is just like when I used to watch Jerry Falwell on Sunday mornings in college. Sometimes I like to hear what the other side is saying, and ... well... just get mad for fun.

One major problem with American media, in my mind, is that I have to seek out the opposition's view point. News really isn't balanced anymore. You don't hear both sides anywhere, really. And I think it's contributing heavily to the political polarization of America. But that's another topic for another blog post for another day.

Anyway, I'd been listening to Beck and reading the National Review Online some and thinking a lot about the Tea Party. What do they stand for? Who are they? Is it all about fat men in founding fathers' costumes, making poorly written signs?

I tried to do some internet research on the Tea Party, and came up with pretty much bupkus. Then I saw/heard two things that I found very interesting, both from "liberal" media outlets.

1) New York Times "Voices of the Tea Party" - This interactive feature has video interviews from several members of the Tea Party, from all around the country. Most of them are educated and articulate, and it sounds like their reasons for joining the movement are sound. Definitely worth watching. One note - I noticed that almost all of these people are older people. There is one 30 year-old man, but the majority look to be over 50.

2) NPR's Morning Edition segment "Tea Party Supporters Debate Movement's Direction" - in which a Tea Party leader debates with a strong social conservative about whether or not the Tea Party should embrace social conservatism as well as fiscal conservatism. Again, this is calm and well reasoned, and therefore much more enjoyable to listen to than, say, Glenn Beck.

Overall, I think the second report I linked to really gets to the heart of it for me. I don't really have a problem with fiscal conservatism. I'm not sure that the bailouts were right, or that the stimulus was right. My support for those things were based on my assumption that President Obama has the good sense to have the foremost financial and economic experts advising him on how best to proceed. It's all too complex for me to understand, not being an expert, but from what I've read there were some possible courses of action, facing the collapse of major banks, that would have avoided bailout *and* avoided the destruction of our economy. I'm certain we would have suffered, but I definitely wonder if it would have been better to break up the banks, let some of them fail, and take the hit. I'm not sure that growing the debt with the stimulus package was the right move. I think major spending on bailouts and stimulus should be reserved for true emergency situations. What I have no way of knowing is whether or not what faced us in 2008 was a true emergency. But, overall, yeah. I can dig the message of fiscal conservatism, spending less, and cutting the deficit. (However, I am pro-taxes. I think taxes pay for important services, and when facing a deficit such as this, it's insane to call for tax cuts ... especially for the wealthy.)

So I could be on board for point one. Point two for many tea partiers is "constitutionally limited government." Essentially the people who support this are looking to the 10th amendment, which states that power that is not explicitly given to the federal government should be reserved for the states and the people. And I am not on board for point two. I feel like the founding fathers could never have imagined the ways in which we have, in essence, shrunk the world. Phones, internet, airplanes. We have fast, if not instant, access to pretty much everyone in the entire world. The USA is a much smaller place than it once was. When the constitution was written, there may as well have been an ocean between Connecticut and Georgia, so difficult was the travel and so different the opinions. Today we are still a nation of diverse opinions, but I do not believe that states should be given the power to govern themselves when it comes to matters of human rights. The world has changed in a way that the framers could never have fathomed, and it would have been pointless for them then to enumerate certain rights that are sorely needed today for every citizen, not just citizens of open-minded states. Let's look to Amendment 9, instead, which states that citizens shall retain all rights they possess but that are not specifically outlined in the bill.

The way I see it, Amendment 9 precedes 10, and 9 is about rights while 10 is about power over pretty much everything else. So 9 says you have all the rights you should have, whether or not we spell them out. 10 says that all that other stuff should be delegated to the states. Therefore, gay rights are protected under the constitution, in my view, for example. The states can decide on whether or not to ban chickens. Or something.

So that's the main thrust of the Tea Party, as far as Tea Party leadership (inasmuch as it exists) is concerned. However, the majority of the Tea Party (as pointed out by the social conservative speaker in the NPR segment) are strong social conservatives. These are the people giving the Tea Party its bad name, in my opinion.

Many tea partiers are anti-abortion, anti-gay rights, and pro-religion. When you think of the Tea Party, you probably think of extreme conservatism in all aspects - financial and social. That's the image they have, whether they want it or not. A lot of them don't want it.

Many tea partiers consider themselves to be Libertarian, and just want the government out of their damn business. I can sympathize with that, but I'd never identify as Libertarian because I firmly believe that the government provides a lot of stuff that we need. For example, I was all over universal health care. We needed it. Insurance companies abuse and effectively rob their customers, and have way too much influence in government. Insurance is expensive and it's hard to get coverage unless you're well employed. I don't want to force people to have to buy it, which is why I wanted a free public option for everyone. It doesn't have to be the best, it just has to be there for emergencies. Good countries take care of their people. Period. So, yeah. Decidedly not a Libertarian.

But I digress. The point is that the Tea Party is torn apart over social issues. I, for one, am grateful. I hope they implode because they can't decide on whether or not they care about the "homosexual agenda." I hope it rips them to shreds.

However, they do bring up a good point. Where are the fiscally conservative, socially liberal candidates. I know it's *kind of* a contradiction, since being socially liberal necessarily involves spending government money on social issues, but it doesn't mean going absolutely wild. In my mind, a fiscally conservative social liberal would cut military spending, cut farm assistance, cut corporate welfare, cut spending on traditional energy programs, cut border security, increase taxes on large corporations and the wealthy, and invest in alternative energy programs and education. To name a few. This website about the national budget is pretty interesting.

I think the Tea Party has so much momentum because people are frightened about how deep we are in debt, and how much we keep spending. Many are also angry. But there's no other major movement for someone angry about spending to join. People want to see the government tighten their belts as we all have to tighten our own, and it can be extremely upsetting when you feel like government is ignoring you, and that you are not being represented.

But, all told, I care a lot more about social issues. And deep down I'm a pretty solid liberal. But I can see why this is gaining momentum, and why people are angry. I just wish there was a movement for someone like me, too.

If I Had A Million Dollars

2010-09-14T16:11:00.000-04:00

I'd buy this wedding dress.

Stuff That Bugs Me - Part 13 - Metro Seating

2010-09-10T10:02:00.002-04:00

Ugh. Metro seating bugs me. I mean, not the seating itself, but the complicated social rules about who gets a seat and who doesn't. Perfectly healthy people in their forties scowl at 20-somethings who don't give up their seat. Pregnant women are made to stand pretty damn often. It's insane.

Here's how the rules should go:

1) Old, disabled and pregnant people get a seat. Period. Give up your damn seat, greedy.
2) Young women in comfortable shoes are no more entitled to a seat than young men in comfortable shoes.
3) Women of any age wearing heels should get a seat over any person in comfortable shoes under the age of 55.
4) If you are under 50, you are not old enough to qualify for an old person seat. Stop acting so entitled.

That is all.

Dr. No

2010-09-08T12:18:00.008-04:00

Here is a recap of a conversation I just had with my gynecologist (yep, the gyno ... *not* my GP) at my annual checkup just now. This is reported as closely and faithfully as possible, with no exaggeration at all.

Her: So, I see you've put on some weight since last year.

Me: Yep. About 20 lbs?

Her: Yes, almost exactly 20 lbs. Would you like any tips on how to take it off?

Me: (cheerfully) Nope.

Her: You know, as you get older, the weight will really mess up your knees. Have you tried Weight Watchers?

Me: Yes, I lost 65 lbs on weight watchers 5 years ago, and have since put 50 of it back on. And my knees are already messed up from sports.

Her: Weight Watchers is the only one that works. You put the weight back on with all the others.

Me: I put the weight back on with Weight Watchers.

Her: Yes, but you stopped doing it.

Me: Yes, the alternative would have been to diet forever.

Her: Well, that's why they call it Weight Watchers and not Weight Losers. You have to keep it up.

Me: Look, I'm perfectly fine with the weight. It doesn't bother me. I'm really active.

Her: If it doesn't bother you, you'll never lose it.

Me: Yep.

Her: Do you plan to get pregnant in the next year? (I'm thinking, "phew, she's dropping it. FINALLY.")

Me: No

Her: You know, you should really lose the weight before you decide to get pregnant. It will lessen the chance of complications.

Me: Good to know, but I don't plan to get pregnant anytime soon.

Her: Should I take your cholesterol, too?

Me: Sure (I'm thinking "hey, why not, right? but aren't you a gynecologist?")

Her: Great. So, if you lost weight successfully on Weight Watchers and you know it works, why wouldn't you go back on it? (I'm thinking, "Good GOD woman, you should ask for a cut from WW.")

Me: It was miserable.

Her: Well, if you remember it being miserable, you probably won't do it again.

Me: Probably not.

Her: I'll go grab someone to take your bloodwork for the cholesterol check.

Me: Thanks, bye.

As I mentioned before, this conversation was NOT exaggerated in any way. That's how it happened. This is my gynecologist, for crying out loud. I used to love my gynecologist. She took the time to talk to you and ask if you had any questions. I thought she was great. And last year, when I was up 20 lbs from the year before, she didn't say a word. I guess this year I must have hit the magic panic number to make her give her little speech.

This is not an uncommon experience for fat people. Doctors are notorious fat haters. And they get away with it because "it's for your health." This is despite the fact that studies have shown that doctors are far more likely to ignore "obesity-related" health problems in slim people and lecture fat people on ills they don't have. Anonymous surveys have shown that a large majority of doctors find their fat patients "disgusting," which means that from the moment they walk in there, they will get a poorer quality of care than a thin patient would.

Ugh. I'm just so angry about it all. I might have to switch doctors now.

MMOs as a Safe Space for Misogynists (and other gaming notes)

2010-09-02T09:49:00.005-04:00

This is just going to be a jumble of thoughts I've been having for a long time, and it's going to be a mess, and I apologize in advance.

So... we all know that many video games and the "gaming community" are mostly male-oriented. People boo-hoo about how there aren't more girl gamers, they wonder why more women don't play video games, but they don't ever bother finding out what we might like to play, or what appeals to us. Games marketed to girls are about dress-up and ponies. There simply are no games marketed to grown women, and the games marketed to men are often sexed-up or violent.

Recently, a company that creates games rejected the idea of making the lead in their true crime game a women, fearing poor sales as a result, despite the fact that women spend far more on electronic goods than men (according to an article on industrygamers.com).

As for me, I love video games. But I usually prefer to watch my fiance play them than to play them myself (it feels like watching a movie in which your shout of "don't go down there!" could actually have an effect). Very few games have captured my imagination and gotten me to play consistently (Doom, Sid Meier's Pirates, Kingdom Hearts, Grand Theft Auto 3 [to name a few]). I have no idea what the common thread between those games might be. They seem like a pretty random mix. But I'm a woman, and I like playing video games (if they're good), though I admittedly would have preferred it if you couldn't hire a hooker for health points and then murder her and take all her money in GTA3.

But that's the thing. Video games are made for men (and, frighteningly, boys). Massive Multiplayer Online games (or, MMOs) are no different. While I believe there are many more women who play, say World of Warcraft (WoW) than who play, say, Alan Wake, it is still a man's fantasy world. What makes MMOs different, is that you can interact with other players online. You can text or voice chat with them, and a lot of the more interesting things you can do in the game require cooperation with other players. My fiance has tried to get me into WoW, since he loves the game and thinks it would be more fun if we could play together. I couldn't get into it, but sometimes like watching him play.

The other day I was watching him play a game, and saw speech bubbles popping up over the heads of other Horde characters while they were waiting to start a battle against Alliance characters. Everyone who will play on one side of the battle has to wait in the same area for a little while before the battle actually starts. I (innocently) asked, "What are they saying?" His response [chagrined tone], "Oh, they're being stupid.... That guy asked if we all had our rape shoes on."

I. Was. Shocked.

I mean, I knew there were ridiculously sexed up characters and that misogyny wasn't exactly foreign in the gaming world, but that was beyond awful. The response from another character? "Nope, but I'm wearing my rape socks." I was horrified at how lightly they threw around the word, in an attempt to get pumped up for the battle. Trash talk, but very sexualized power trash talk. Saying you're going to "rape" the opponent implies not only beating them, but also of violating their person and severely harming them psychologically and emotionally. It's a charged word for a reason.

I felt like my illusion of MMOs had just been totally shattered. For some reason, I'd thought that WoW was better than most games (I have female friends who play), and even in the worst gaming environments I guess I didn't think that sort of thing happened. But it makes sense. In those random battles, you have total anonymity. You know that most (if not all) of the other players are male. It's a space where you're you can vent your misogynistic vitriol and feel pretty confident that no one will speak out against you. Even in they do, it hardly matters, because you are totally anonymous. It is a totally safe space for hate speech against women, because most men (the majority of online gamers) won't speak out against hate speech against women. They may not join in, but it's unlikely they'll say anything against it.

So now I will never, ever play WoW again, or any MMO. I just couldn't handle encountering that kind of bullshit. Congratulations, video game industry, on alienating another woman.

Even female characters are sometimes unwelcome in MMOs. It is thought of as a "given" that most female characters are played by men. It is also widely believed that many male players will go easier on female characters, give them special items, etc., especially if they are willing to engage in flirting. This makes other players resent female characters, and some players even find it frustrating that men play women characters. That seems insane to me. The idea that men should play male characters and women should play female characters is a little ridiculous to me. But that just shows the charged sexual environment in the game. It's not about what your character can do, it's about how the character looks. Having male and female characters available _should_ just add a bit of diversity to the game. But the players make it sexual, assigning it meaning that it doesn't and shouldn't have.

Prime example, some WoW fan video:

I don't even know where to start on this one.

The sexualized Blood Elf dancing for tips? The angry message about female characters getting special treatment? The interesting turn of phrase between "I play as a chick, but I'm really a dude," versus, "I play as a dude but I'm really a gamer chick"? Why did they feel the need to add in "gamer" before chick? Why not just reverse it? Because women who play video games are an entirely different breed from other women? Why not "gamer dude"? Are all dudes considered to be potential gamers, but a "gamer chick" has some special connotation?

Yeah. I'm not going into all of that. this has become ridiculously long, and there's just too much to explore. But I had to that out. It's been brewing for awhile. If I bring up the gaming topic again, I promise to write out something a little clearer and on a more narrow topic, kay? Thx. Bye.

Bike Trip Planning!

2010-08-04T16:54:00.016-04:00

As I mentioned in my last post, Dean and I are well underway for bike trip planning and wedding planning and vacation planning.

Right now, I am trying to think of which route we should take for the bike trip. Here are some options:

First route

This route takes us from Virginia to Portland.

Pros:
Start at MG's folks' house
Hang out in Blacksburg
Visit Heather in Iowa
Visit Joy in Portland
Mostly a cool (northern) trip
Get to go to Glacier Park (awesome!)

Cons: must cross Appalachian mountains
long/indirect route

The next route is the traditional TransAmerica route.

That route is almost exactly the same as the above route, but it doesn't allow for visiting Heather, and it involves a lot more western mountain crossing. Plus, it involves more bike time in the south, which usually = hotter.

And there's a lot of bread basket flatness in there. A lot.

Major pro? Get to see Yellowstone.

But I still think this one's out.

The next route is Buffalo - Vancouver.

Pros: start at Dean's folks' house
avoid Appalachian mountains
North (cooler) all the way
End up in Canada (awesome!)
see Glacier Park
hang out in Fargo and Missoula

Cons: not a full cross-country trip
miss out on visiting a lot of people we could catch if we started on a more southern route

The last possibility is the direct route.
Pros:
Direct (shortest distance)
start at MG folks' house
see Blacksburg
see Utah's national parks (amazing!)

Cons: major breadbasketing (check out the Kansas stretch)
cross Rockies
bike through Nevada and Cali in the summer heat

That's pretty much all we're looking at right now. If we can't get ourselves together in time for summer, maybe we'll look at a fall Southern Tier trip. But I hope we can go next summer!!

SO excited!!

Excitement Hodgepodge

2010-08-02T09:42:00.002-04:00

Is hodgepodge one word or two? I'm going with one.

So, there are all kinds of exciting things happening, and I want to share them with you! I will break it into derby and non-derby excitement.

Non-derby excitement!
*Got to hang out with some friends this weekend, including Teri and Alex (visiting from afar-ish) and young Sebastian! It was great to see everyone.

*Wedding planning is seriously underway. We finally finished the guest list, and we now have the venue and caterer booked. Buying invitations is next. We're on our way!

*Dean is SERIOUS about us doing our honeymoon cross-country bike trip next summer. He is looking into taking an LOA and everything. It looks like it will really happen, and I am BEYOND stoked!

*I am running again! My new Nike+iPod has made it fun again, and I really need to get out there more. I will go again tonight. Don't think I'll do another marathon this year or anything, but I can get ready for some great fall 10ks!

*Parties and such coming up, and vacation THIS MONTH! Puerto Rico, here we come!

Derby excitement!
*I _cannot wait_ for Season 5. I am just so excited about this new team and our great attitudes and I think we'll do much better this season than last season. I feel like we have a good shot of making it to the championship this year!

*I bought new skates! Can't wait to try them out and rid myself of these crippling blisters.

*We have a scrimmage against DCDC this weekend, and a bout in September against Mother State, both before the official start of Season 5. We are treating them both like real bouts (tho only one is), and I can't wait to play!

*I want to work hard to GET GOOD this year. Hitting, hitting, hitting!

Derbytastic!

2010-07-22T14:09:00.002-04:00

I have a busy derby time ahead. I am a little nervous because my blisters are so bad right now. But here's what's coming up!

Saturday (7/24) - Gotham jammer camp - 10 am - 4 pm
Sunday (7/25) - CBB scrimmage w/ Rocktown Rollers @ Rocktown (Harrisonburg)
Monday (7/26) - skipping derby to hang w/ my ladies (Jenny, Joy, Lucy & Rowan!)
Tuesday (7/27) - DCRG league headshots
Wednesday (7/28) - scrimmage night!
Thu/Fri (7/29 & 30) - FREE!
Saturday (7/31) - CBB yard sale!
In August - derby 3x/week every week
Aug 11-14 - Iraqis in town
Aug 15 - B-team bout
Aug 21-29 - V A C A T I O N in Puerto Rico!

Busy busy bee, that's me!

Media Frenzy

2010-07-21T12:15:00.002-04:00

So I have beefs and kudos for a few things, and thought I'd grind it all into one lunchtime blog post. Yes? Good? On we go!

1) "Love the Way You Lie" - In case you're buried under rocks (but have internet somehow), this is a hit song by Eminem with Rhianna. It's about an abusive relationship. I just don't know what to make of it. On the one hand, it could be exposing people to the reality of domestic violence (he says he's going to stop but knows he doesn't mean it, violence escalates over time, etc.). On the other hand, it's really disturbing. He sings as the abuser, talking about how he'll kill her before she leaves him. She sings as the abused, talking about how it's okay and she really likes it. I don't think any domestic violence sufferer would say they like the abuse. And I feel like it victim blames a bit, and domestic violence victims really don't need any more of that. Overall, I have to say I hate it. I don't like hearing about domestic violence, and hearing Rhianna, of all people, singing about how she likes it gives me the creeps.

2) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Played with Fire - I am really torn on this one. On the one hand, I feel like American culture has been sorely lacking in feminist TV and movies, and this kind of helps fill that gap. "Kind of" in that they're only two movies, "kind of" in that they're Swedish, and kind of in that they're only kind of feminist.

Awesome stuff:
*you DO NOT CROSS Lisbeth Salander, unless you want to die or become severely injured
*Lisbeth Salander is an awesome, smart badass in general
*she's bi, breaking up movie heteronormativity a little
*she's not just smart, but she's smarter than *everyone else in the movie*, men and women alike
*she calls out misogynists as misogynists

Awful stuff:
*Despite her awesomeness, she is physically and sexually abused really often, and really brutally... it's like the movies won't just let us have an awesome hero -- she has to be smacked down a few times for us to be okay with her awesomeness.
*The abuse scenes are really graphic, and undoubtedly triggering for women with abusive pasts. Even without abuse in my past, I couldn't stand to watch it, and it took me awhile to get over what I saw. I did not sleep well that night.

So, on the whole, I am left really unsure as to whether I'd thumbs up or thumbs down these movies. I was really shaken.

Aaaand....that's it.

Love Love Love Love Love!!!

2010-07-21T11:03:00.003-04:00

Dean and I are engaged!!!

I am so excited. The wedding will be December 4. It seems so soon, but it is more than 4 months away, and I haven't even been in my job that long yet (and it seems like I've been here forever).

We are having a small wedding close to home, and I am so happy!

Squeeeee!

Diet Town

2010-07-07T12:18:00.002-04:00

I am back on Weight Watchers.

Fat acceptance, I know. It's still there ... for others. I just started hating the way I looked in pictures, feeling bad about myself, feeling embarrassed. And I think it's easier to change my body than change my head on this -- 31 years of conditioning is tough to break. And I was developing habits that aren't healthy for me -- eating a lot of crap, minimal exercise.

Plus, I want to get good at derby, and I want to maybe have another decent marathon time someday. I think I'll have an easier time achieving those goals when slimmer.

WW helps me be aware of what I'm eating and how much I'm actually exercising. I think of myself as an active person who exercises a lot, but I'm really not. Outside of derby, I don't do all that much, and this is helping me turn that around a bit.

So, it may be lame, but I'm doing it anyway. And I can't help but feel good about it. Especially when I lose, which I didn't this week (up 1.8 lbs after 4th of July binge). But I'm back on track, and I'd like to lose another 15 before vacation. I probably won't lose that much, but it's nice to have a goal.

I'll keep you posted!

Breakup Songs

2010-06-30T17:03:00.002-04:00

So, I want to make a mixed CD for two of my recently broken hearted teammates. I am trying to compile the world's most awesome breakup songs. Angry, sad, empowering, cheesy ... they're all important to include.

Here's what I've got so far. Other suggestions?

Get Gone - Fiona Apple ("it's time the truth was out that he don't give a shit about me")

Ruin - The Pierces ("all that i want is for you to come to ruin")

Waving at You - The Mountain Goats ("die hard, die kicking, old habit of mine")

Standing in the Way of Control - The Gossip ("it's part not giving in, and part trusting your friends")

Welcome To - Ani Difranco ("welcome to no amount of stoned makes you feel okay")

Baboon - The Mountain Goats ("my defenses may be working with a skeleton crew, but i'll be skinned alive before i take this from you")

You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette (hey, it's a classic)

Everything Hits at Once - Spoon ("i go to sleep and think that you're next to me")

I'd like to include as many empowering ones as possible, but I know wallowing and feeling pissed off is important too. Thoughts? Suggestions?

A Peachy Plan for World Domination

2010-06-30T10:09:00.002-04:00

1. Lose weight- already down 6.5 lbs, and working hard at it!
2. Practice! - going Thurs and Friday night
3. Work out on off days - gym or running

That's pretty much it. Today isn't going as planned because I don't have practice and I didn't bring gym clothes. But I have to work through lunch anyway.

Derby derby derby is on my mind!

Getting Good

2010-06-29T09:38:00.008-04:00

I am now back from ECDX 2010, and I have a serious desire to *get good* at derby.

I'll admit it, I haven't been working all that hard at derby lately. I took a long leave of absence, I've been attending *just enough* practice to keep my attendance at the minimum required level.

And I've had a lot going on. A new job, an Arabic class every Monday, family obligations, trying to spend time with Dean ... there are a lot of competing priorities.

But no more! I am recommitting myself to derby, starting now. I want to be good, and I'm the only person who can get me there.

So, starting now, I'm going to:

* go to as many practices as I can make
* give practices 100%
* show up early when possible to work on the following:
- turn around stops
- quick starts
- quick recovery from falls
- jumping
- galloping
- hard hits

These are all things I can do now, but would like to get much better at.

I have to be responsible for my own improvement. I can learn from others, but they can't do the work for me. It has to be me, and I'm ready to work!

Season 5 championship, here we come!

Rest Now, Please

2010-06-14T16:08:00.003-04:00

I am wiped.

Just got back from Dean's 30th birthday extravaganza (!), and am back at work. Dean's dad is visiting this week. Then we're doing something on a pirate ship in Baltimore on Friday (organized by Dean's sister, Leah, for his b-day). I think (hope) Saturday and Sunday will be rest days (?), because after another week of work, and derby practice, and a Bombshell "tribal meeting," I have ECE in Philly, 4th of July weekend, another trip to San Francisco, a visit to Joy in Portland (I hope!), a housewarming party (can you confirm this, Teri?), a visit from Sapna, and a derby scrimmage in Harrisonburg. All of these have regular work interspersed here and there.

That just takes us through most of July. Not even to the end of July. And I am tired. And I don't see a break happening soon.

It's all stuff I really want to do/don't want to miss. In fact, I've had to cancel a bunch of conflicts. There's a ton of fun stuff going on right now. I just wish I had a few days break. I need to start purposefully scheduling breaks.

So there. It's resolved.

Intro Songs?

2010-06-09T12:41:00.002-04:00

I am trying to Brainstorm what would make a good Bombshell intro song (the song they play while we skate around and they introduce the players). Here's what I've got so far:

Welcome to the Jungle - GnR (we all know this one, so no need to link it)
Bucky Done Gun - M.I.A.
Swagga Like Us - TI, Kanye, et al.
This is Why I'm Hot - MIMS

What do you like? Any other suggestions?

As promised

2010-06-08T11:40:00.002-04:00

Here's me at the Golden Gate Bridge:

Comedy of Errors

2010-06-08T10:35:00.002-04:00

So, I went to San Francisco last week for my job.

Lots of things went wrong. One of the interns got stuck in Amman, and they wouldn't let him board the plane. The laptops didn't arrive (and still haven't). I lost my cell phone. Then I got it back. Then it was stolen. I lost two jackets (one of Dean's, then I bought one, and lost it). The projector in the meeting room didn't work. One of the interns hurt his knee that he'd recently had surgery on. I couldn't open my presentation or the agenda on my laptop. I totally had to wing it from day one.

Just bad luck all around. I was very stressed out. But it ended up going okay, overall.

I'm home and things are calming down. I'm glad to be back, and glad to be back on skates. I missed derby. And I missed Dean.

That's about all the news that's fit to print. Sorry things have been so ho-hum lately. When I get the pictures from SF off my camera, maybe I'll post a few. I hope all has been going well for you!

Major Letdown

2010-05-24T13:19:00.003-04:00

Just Wright was about the most boring movie I've ever seen. I considered walking out. I felt bad for dragging Dean to it. And I really wanted to like it. And as far as rom-coms go, it was kinda feminist. Even down to the part where Queen Latifah's character is considering taking a job in a different city, and the leading man offers to move to be near her for her job. I mean, that was awesome.

So why couldn't they have put all of this awesomeness towards a decent plot?

Ugh.

In other news, Dean and I went to a barbecue this weekend, which was supa fun. We got to see baby Zeb again and hang with Teri and Alex, who we don't see that often. In fact, I don't see any of my friends that often, really, since derby kidnapped me. So that was great.

Then I had the bombshells end-of-year bash. I won "Best Booty for Blocking." No one was shocked. :)

Seen: On the Metro

2010-05-05T14:36:00.002-04:00

I was riding the metro home the other night, and it was very crowded. A free seat opened up, and an elderly lady took it. It was next to a very young man (maybe 20, dressed like a hoodlum) who was reading a Kindle.

The old lady was super interested in the Kindle, and was asking the young guy about it. He was excited to show it off, and was showing her all the features. In doing so, he ended up flipping through a bunch of dirty photos (mostly naked women in suggestive poses ... I have no clue whether or not it was intentional). The older lady didn't bat an eye. Then he showed her the web browser feature, and how to choose books. She seemed interested and happy the whole time, and he seemed thrilled to show off the Kindle. It was kind of heartwarming, in a weird way.

It Takes A Worried Woman

2010-05-04T10:05:00.002-04:00

... to sing a worried song.

I am worried.

I am notorious for being misunderstood. I am worried that some things I recently said (via email, for work) have been taken the wrong way. I wish the person I emailed would get back to me, but it's still very early in California. I hope they get back to me by noon. :(

Worried, worried, worried.

A Right Way, And A Wrong Way

2010-04-28T09:04:00.007-04:00

Queen Latifah (no surprise) gets it right in the trailer for her new movie:

Reasons why Queen Latifah's character is (and I have a sneaking suspicion QL in real life is) awesome, in order of appearance in the trailer:

1) She's smart and recognizes bull.
2) She ignores her friends' stupid advice to act like something like she's not to catch a man.
3) She wears clothes she feels comfortable in and are appropriate for the occasion, rather than dressing up in ridiculous, uncomfortable getups.
4) She's good at her job and is successful in her career as a result.
5) She eats what she wants and doesn't apologize for it. "I'm not one of those salad eatin' chicks."

Yes, yes, and YES. I will go see this movie. I love Queen Latifah!!!

Here is an example of what NOT to do (just a coffee ad, not a trailer, but I will never, ever buy this coffee simply because of this offensive commercial):

THIS IS NOT A VINTAGE AD. It's from 2010. For reals. So, in searching for the video of this ad, I found it in a feministing post (ooops, it's actually a feministing community post, so just another outraged everywoman like me posted about it). They always beat me to it! It's been bugging me on Hulu for days. Here are the implicit values that make me hate it, in order of appearance.

1) It is a father's responsibility to protect his daughters from dangerst.
2) Daughters (even grown women) should obey their fathers and be home, safe at night.
3) Worrying about someone and keeping track of their movements is a sign of love.
4) Men are the custodians of their "women" (property), be they daughters or wives.
5) A man must ask a woman's father permission for marriage, since the father would be giving his woman property over to another man.

Also, does this woman live at home with her parents? She's, like, 30.

No Folgers for me, thanks. Ugh.

Haemolacria

2010-04-16T11:24:00.003-04:00

I just found out that Seth has been _crying blood_ this week. He is at the hospital getting it checked out. It must be terrifying. :( Apparently it is not a tumor, but they're still looking into other possible causes.

I learned all this from facebook, and I assume if he's willing to post it there, it's not bad for me to post to my blog, right? Most of my readers know (or at least know of) and like Seth.

Of all the things I wish for all my friends, I think stable and enduring good health for Seth would be at the top of the list.

If you pray, send out prayers. If you don't pray (like me), think healing thoughts and keep your fingers crossed for the best.

Stuff That Bugs Me, Part 12 - Bikes on the Road

2010-04-14T12:58:00.002-04:00

It really bugs me when bicyclists ride on the road, right next to a bike trail. So I have to slow down to 12 miles per hour on my way to work and wait until no cars are coming to drive around someone who is biking 10 feet away from a lovely paved trail. That's why they're called bike trails! They are for bikes! Use them!

(note: I totally understand and welcome bikes on roads where there is no bike trail)

Get It Straight.

2010-04-07T09:25:00.003-04:00

How about another scheduling post? Your favorite!

Things I need to remember that I have going on:

April 9 - hosting Bombshell pre-bout dinner
April 10 - bout!
April 12 - start new job
April 18-24 - Dean's family in town
May 15 (afternoon) - Leah and Glenn's party
May 15 (night) - DCRG end of season bash!
May 22 - Bombshells end of season par-tay
June 3-5 - Bluegrass festival
June 11 - Dean's 30th Birthday!!

I think that's everything.... Hope I haven't forgotten anything!

The Problem with Pragmatism

2010-03-30T16:04:00.006-04:00

So, there's been a big poopstorm in the feminist online community (and the wider web world), caused by this dickwad sophomore over at AU. He's pretty sharp, clearly well-read, and a big ol' douchety-douche (who sounds like he's been hittin' the ol' Ayn Rand a little too hard). He's writing stuff for the AU paper and the Independent Gay Forum and such, getting everyone ticked off, including me.

He's writing about how he's a gay Republican and that somehow makes sense, and how college girls who are "dumb" enough to go to frat parties are asking to be raped. And he's probably, like, 20 or so, so there is absolutely no arguing with him. Every well-reasoned commenter gets promptly dismissed. He's standing by his ill-considered ideas, no matter what.

And the thing that bugs me most is that he's hiding behing pragmatism. He says he's a gay Republican because he's not a one-issue voter, and he agrees more with the fiscal and foreign policies of Republicans, and there's no point in being independent because, pragmatically, it's really a two-party system and you're a more effective voter if you align yourself with one of the major parties, rather than going independent. As for college women asking to be raped, he thinks that you can say all you want that women should have the right to go to parties and get drunk and be no more vulnerable to unwanted sexual experiences than men, but pragmatically they don't, and you need to deal with reality and keep yourself away from such dangerous situations as a frat party.

The problem with arguing for pragmatism is that it strengthens and endorses the status quo. Rather than fighting an unjust system, it just throws its hands up and works with it. Rather than affirming a woman's right to go out and party and not be assaulted, it's reinforcing (and justifying) the antiquated stereotype that men can't control themselves sexually, and women have to be the guardians of their virtue and, in fact, their own safety. It agrees that, given the chance, men will take the opportunity to assault women. That does two things: 1) it lowers our expectations of men, thereby robbing us all of some dignity, and 2) it keeps us from working to change the situation for the better. Why not organize a course on male privilege for frats (like, say, the privilege to go to a party and get wasted and walk home alone without having to worry about being raped)? Or why not start a sexual assualt prevention program that works to educate young men about sexual assault? Why not work to raise everyone's expectations of young men? It has been proven again and again that young people will strive to meet higher expectations -- we just need to raise the bar.

And, as one of the commenters pointed out, keeping young women away from parties will not prevent rape. Preventing rapists will prevent rape. You have to work with the perpetrators (or potential perpetrators) of the crime to get them to understand how and why it is wrong, not lock up your daughters.

As for the gay Republican pragmatism, we will never break out of a severely flawed two-party system if no one is willing to align themselves with other political parties that better match their ideas.

The problem with pragmatism is that it reinforces a flawed system, rather than working for positive change. It's like saying to Rosa Parks, "yeah, segregation isn't perfect, but sitting in the front of the bus might land you in jail, so you'd better just stay back here." Or, "sexism is lame, but it's reality, so for your own good, just stay home washing the dishes with your chastity belt locked up tight." Yes, bad things can happen to good people who work for justice and change. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't work for it.

Eat Your Heart Out, Loser!

2010-03-24T10:42:00.006-04:00

Ha! The guy I used to work with who thinks he is hot sh*t is dying with jealousy over my new job!

He cannot stand that I was promoted above him. HA! HA HA! He started one level below me, and worked every angle he could to get out of his job and move up. He was constantly shmoozing. He told me over and over how an MPH was so much more valuable than an MA (he has an MPH, I have an MA). And he managed to wrangle a promotion in about 8 months. He is now the same level that I am (pre-start date of new job ... next month I'll be higher than he is), and he thinks he is great because he's a "technical associate" who doesn't do any admin work, and he has been LORDING it over me every chance he gets.

So, now I've gotten a new job, and he's been coming around asking me about it constantly. What's my new title? What does the job entail? But it's not really technical, right? Oh, it is? (frown) Project managment? (bigger frown) And so on ... throwing in the occasional, "Wow, that's great. Congrats." But he doesn't mean it. He can't stand it. And I am just exalting in it. BAH HA HA HA!!!

In other news, I moved in with Dean! It is going great so far. We painted a wall last night. The house is going to look great, and I can't wait until it's all done and we can throw a barbecue house warming party!

Also, I ran a marathon. It was hard. I didn't train. No more spring marathons for me, but maybe a fall one this fall. We'll see.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!

To Bike, Or Not To Bike

2010-03-17T10:26:00.002-04:00

I am thinking about maybe possibly biking to and from work on non-derby days, instead of metroing. Here's my mental debate:

PRO
cheap (free!)
good exercise
good for the environment

CON
possibly dangerous on road parts (mostly I can use trails, but there'll be a few miles on roads)
considerably earlier wake-up
have to shower at work

What do you think? The driving commute is making me crazy, so I'm really only going to do that on derby days. But for non-derby days I could metro or bike. What do you think?

Vajazzling

2010-03-12T10:03:00.005-05:00

Someone please tell me that vajazzling is a hoax. Please.

What is vajazzling, you ask? Well, it's the process of permanently removing your pubic hair and replacing it with rhinestones. No. REALLY. That's what it is.

Apparenlty Jennifer Love Hewitt does it, and now it's all the rage. Where Jennifer Love Hewitt goes, so go I?

I don't know that I want to live in a world where vajazzling is an option. Ugh.

First it was be thin, then it was be thin and toned, then it was be thin and toned but have enormous breasts, then it was be thin and toned with big breasts and a round butt, then it was be thin and toned with big breasts and a round butt and be ageless, then it was be surgically thin and toned and have surgically big breasts and a surgically round butt and surgically "enhanced" facial features and do whatever science allows to be ageless, and now it's be all of those things and hairless and JEWELED, for chrissake. I am just disgusted.

And I could go on and on -- again -- about the unrealistic beauty expectations of women that exalt the unnatural and revile the natural, but I've done all that before, so I'll just leave you with this edifying video.

T minus

2010-03-10T11:56:00.002-05:00

T minus 3 days until the big move!

Tonight - Haiti relief fundraiser at Temple Hills Skate Palace
Tomorrow night - dinner @ Red Rocks w/ Snap & Nemesis, packing
Friday night - derby practice & more packing
Saturday morning - move!

T minus 11 days until my next marathon! (ZOMGWTFHOWDIDTHISHAPPEN?)

March 21 - Shamrock marathon @ Va Beach w/ Rosie
Training until then - none (well, derby practice)

A lot is happening!

Another Derby Article!

2010-03-03T10:15:00.003-05:00

I am in another derby article today. Check it out!

http://www.gwu.edu/explore/gwtoday/gwpeople/readytoroll

I love the fat positivity in this song!

Ho hum

2010-02-24T10:10:00.003-05:00

I feel like this blog has gotten boring. I mostly just write about derby and my schedule. :( I am thinking of packing it in and dropping it entirely. Thoughts?

In other news, I am kind of seriously thinking about learning some computer languages and trying to get a job as a computer programmer. Not to sound full of myself, but I think I'd be naturally good at it, and it would earn me a poopload more money than saving African children from diarrheal disease, sad as that fact may be. I could learn C++ or C# or Java from a book, or even online for free. I guess I'd need to get some sort of certification, too, but right now I'm just knocking it about in my brain. Does that seem like a bad idea?

Anti-Climactic

2010-02-24T09:15:00.002-05:00

I know, I haven't posted here in forever. And when I do, it's a lame scheduling post. But these scheduling posts really help me, and I've been insanely busy, which is why I haven't posted in so long. Here goes:

tonight- derby
tomorrow night - interview w/ GW journalism student
Friday night - hand w/ Dean
Saturday morning - derby
Saturday night, Sunday - hang w/ Dean, clean house

next week (3/1-3/7) - work + derby, bout w/ DCDC

following week (3/8-3/14) - work + derby, pack, close on house, start moving in (canceled Dutchland bout)

following week (3/15-3/21) - work + derby, marathon in VA Beach

So that's what's up. I've been swamped at work since the other person who did kinda the same job as I do left. So now I'm doing work for two. Plus I've been sick. I'll try to post more regularly, but I haven't been all that newsworthy lately.

My Picks for 2010 Oscars

2010-02-02T09:22:00.004-05:00

Here are my Oscar pics (I know everyone's been waiting to hear what I had to say on this), but just the big categories in which I've seen most of the movies. My choices are in bold italics, and they represent what I'd like to see win rather than what I think will win. In some cases, I've chosen more than one to win, 'cause more than one deserves it.

Best Picture
“Avatar”
“The Blind Side”
“District 9″
“An Education”
“The Hurt Locker”
“Inglourious Basterds”
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
“A Serious Man”
“Up”
“Up in the Air”

Actress in a Leading Role
Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
Helen Mirren in “The Last Station”
Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”

Animated Feature Film
“Coraline”
“Fantastic Mr. Fox”
“The Princess and the Frog”
“The Secret of Kells”
“Up”

Good Peaches, Bad Meredith

2010-01-26T11:25:00.002-05:00

I have been a bad friend. To everyone. And I haven't exactly been a top-notch girlfriend, either (though I am, admittedly, trying harder at that).

It's derby. I love derby. Derby is an amazing and wonderful sport. For single people. For single people who are happy to only have derby friends.

I've ignored and/or alienated a lot of my friends. Derby is 3-4 practices per week (league and team practices), plus events (usually at least one per week). I am supposed to have team practice tonight, but I'm not going. I made plans with Dean.

But, with the notable exception of Dean, I'm not really seeing any of my friends much. Or talking to them on the phone. I *always* have something to do, and it's usually derby-related. I worry that my friends think I hate them. I promise you that I don't. I love and miss you! I am just really and truly busy. It won't be forever, and I'm sorry I've been so lame.

Granted, I took on a new marathon, too, and that is my fault and my fault alone.

I wanted to say, though, to my friends who haven't heard from me much lately, that I am really sorry. And please do keep in touch via facebook and email, 'cause it's easier to catch me that way. And I won't do derby forever, and I hope you're all still around when that time comes.

Hot 99.5

2010-01-22T09:20:00.003-05:00

I love my new Volvo. It's pretty and it runs and it has butt-warmers. *And* it has a radio.

So I decided that I would no longer be totally out-of-touch, music-wise, and I started listening to Hot 99.5, the DC radio station that plays mostly Top 40 hits. For fun.

That was a terrible idea, for a lot of reasons. One is that the songs are abominably bad. They push terrible messages (sexism is extreme and rampant), and what is just as bad (because of the messages) is how they get stuck in your head, impossible to extract. Hot 99.5 plays the same 15 songs over and over and over, and there's just no escape after awhile.

Let's review a few of the current hits.

Currently at Billboard #6 is "Sexy Chick" by David Guetta, featuring Akon. This is the (poorly and unconvincingly) radio scrubbed version of the original, "Sexy Bitch." When the song plays, they barely cover it up, and it sounds like "Sexy Chitch," and it's obvious what it was originally meant to be.

The lyrics include some feminist favs like, "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful," followed almost immediately by, "Damn, you's a sexy bitch. You's a sexy bitch. Damn, you's a sexy bitch. Damn, girl!" Well, Guetta, kudos to you on your success in showing women the respect they deserve. Bonus points for not objectifying us. Being called a "sexy bitch" whose "booty moves" such that you "can't take no more," is really just the highest compliment. I've been waiting all my life for such high praise. Oh, wait -- 4 guys yelled something similar at me on my walk to work. Never mind.

Currently at #1 on the charts it "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha. She apparently put this song out as a challenge to all the sexist bullcrap songs like "Sexy Bitch" in defense of women everywhere. What she ended up doing was producing a song that just snuggled right up with that sexism. Instead of saying that women are strong and deserve the respect that they'll never get from David Guetta fans, she instead said that she and her friends were strong enough to party all night while guys "touched her junk." It's a faux feminist anthem of going out and partying as strong, single ladies, except that they're the kind of strong, single ladies who hold all the Hot 99.5-enforced values of the patriarchy.

Some of the objectionable lyrics in this one include half of the second verse, "I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes / Trying on all our clothes, clothes /Boys blowing up our phones, phones," which reinforces the idea that women have to mold themselves into a ridiculous, culturally promoted idea of beauty to attract men. Not to mention that it's heteronormative. Also, where else would you have a pedicure, if not on your toes?

But the lyrics of this song that tick me off the most are, " I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk / Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk / Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk." First of all, I abhor the use of the word "crunk." Just a pet peeve. Then, she seems totally fine with "boys tryin' to touch [her] junk." It's just expected and normal that when you're out and partying, men will try to grab you. Of course, if he "gets too drunk," you can (and the implied appropriate response is to) use violence. I wonder ... if "junk" touching is perfectly acceptable, what is the threshold by which you judge when he might be too drunk?

So, what are the alternatives to these songs? Well, there's the sickeningly sweet and mindless drone of "Fireflies" by Owl City. It includes such saccharine lyrics as, "'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs / From ten thousand lightning bugs / As they tried to teach me how to dance / A foxtrot above my head / A sock hop beneath my bed." I don't think I need to perform any analysis on this. In fact, I can't, because just remembering how this song goes caused my frontal lobe to shut down completely.

There's also the Rhianna song about playing Russian roulette. Or Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance," which is somehow unintelligible and creepy and disgusting all at the same time.

Two surprisingly unobjectionable tunes (at least in terms of content, not musically) are "Replay" by Iyaz, about being in love, "Empire State of Mind," by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, about New York City. Both of these songs are boring and predictable, but at least they don't insult women and they don't make me want to crash my car into a building ("Fireflies" always makes me want to drive my car off a cliff).

Still, I think I'll turn the dial back to NPR.

Derby Life

2010-01-14T12:01:00.003-05:00

It's like "thug life," only for derby instead of thugging.

So, it's gonna be a crazy few days!

Friday night - Bombshells pre-bout dinner
Saturday morning - 9-11 mile run w/ Roller Rage Rosie
Saturday afternoon - jam points tracking @ bout
Saturday night - after party? don't know yet if I'm going, definitely hanging out w/ Dean either way
Sunday day - free time! yay! lounging, etc.
Sunday night - Bombshells practice
Monday night - league practice

I GOT DRAFTED!

2010-01-11T09:01:00.001-05:00

Finally!

I am a Cherry Blossom Bombshell! Wooot!

I can't wait to start practicing with my team!

Another Scheduling Post

2010-01-08T10:53:00.002-05:00

I am so confused about what's happening this month. Time for a schedule blog post!

Today/tonight - write Scouting quarterly report, confer w/ Lenore
Saturday a.m. - running w/ Rosie (time?), maybe derby practice
Saturday p.m. - league annual meeting, Belated Bows Not Bags
Sunday - relax, hang w/ Dean (I have this feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something this day, but can't remember what it is)
Next week, weekdays - derby practice M-W
Saturday 1/16 - derby bout volunteering
Sunday 1/17 - house hunting w/ Dean?, running w/ Rosie?
Next week, weekdays - derby practice again, Scouting visits p.m.
Saturday 1/23 - Beyer Subaru DCRG event noon-3, Nemesis' party
Sunday 1/24 - house hunting w/ Dean?

Okay, I feel better now.

Stupid Bruised Tailbone.

2010-01-07T10:00:00.001-05:00

Ow.

Things to be Thankful for...

2010-01-05T11:00:00.002-05:00

Sure, it's not Thanksgiving, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't express gratitude for good things.

Here's what I've got:

1) My car passed inspection! I am going to get it registered tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed that it goes well.

2) Derby starts back up today, and I am excited to try out my new wheels and show off my new bag!

3) I am registered for the High Cloud Half Marathon (1/30/10) and the Shamrock Marathon (3/21/10) and am jazzed about training! I might stop at Fleet Feet to pick up some extra cold weather gear, since it's been freezing this week.

4) I am feeling better today -- almost entirely better after more than a week of illness!

5) After a few weeks off with the folks, not spending money, I am finally breaking even, money-wise! I am going to try to keep this up.

6) My first-of-the-year raise kicks in soon! Can't wait!

7) I have been eating better and exercising more, which makes me feel good. I am also keeping up my other resolutions, except for the sunblock one. I have to dig around to find my sunblock and place it prominently on the bathroom counter. Otherwise, good progress so far.

8) My house is new-year clean and I took all the stuff I never wear to Goodwill!

Hooray! Can't wait for derby practice tonight!

If You're Waiting For An Invitation

2010-01-04T16:37:00.002-05:00

you're gonna wait a long time
wait a long time
wait a long time
wait a long time
you're gonna wait a long time

- Benji Hughes

Random Goal Update

2010-01-04T15:50:00.004-05:00

So, I had a goal of not gaining any weight over the holidays. I think I posted about it... Anyway, today I went to the gym (where I weigh myself) and I was up 3 lbs. Not terrible, but I want to reverse the tide.

I guess I'm still at the stage where fat acceptance (FA) is good for thee but not for me. I can't help not wanting to get fat again. And I'm now up to a weight that I hadn't seen since Thailand. So, I'm going to try to turn it around. Or at least stop gaining.

I don't have any real plan, which I know isn't exactly a recipe for success, but I'm FA enough that I just can't bring myself to "diet." I can't count points or disallow any particular foods. It just seems so wrong. So my goal is to run or do roller derby 6 days per week (ran today, derby tomorrow-Thurs, run Friday? and Saturday this week) and just try to think about what I'm eating and make conscious food decisions, rather than just grabbing for something. I definitely would like to eat more "real food" and less processed stuff, and that's hard to do at an office job, for sure. So, it's health-oriented, but the goal is still weight loss. Ugh. I feel dirty and wrong just typing that. I am ashamed that this is how I feel, but there it is. I can't spin it any other way.

Wish me luck, I guess.

A Fond Farewell to 2009

2009-12-31T09:56:00.002-05:00

And I really mean that.

2009 ruled. It was the best year I've had since Thailand, at least. I met Dean and joined roller derby, both early in the year (about a week apart). That's all it took!

Derby has been fun and frustrating, but more fun. It's great exercise, I'm learning new skills and meeting new people, and it's just crazy fun to play. I'm glad I've stuck it out, despite the fact that it's an enormous time suck.

Dean is wonderful. He seems to be pretty perfect for me. He's so nice and easy-going and up for anything and smart and handsome and awesome. I've had a great year with him, and I hope 2010 brings more happiness for us.

2009 hasn't been without its challenges - I am still unhappy with my job, for one. And I've been struggling with money. And I've mysteriously put on a ton of weight. But it hasn't gotten me down because my personal life is going so damn great.

So, hooray for 2009. Let's hope for another great year!

Resolution Revolution

2009-12-31T09:45:00.002-05:00

Well, it's New Year's Resolutions time again.

Someone mentioned over the holiday that they'd read an article that explained how terrible resolutions tended to be for people, psychologically. I think it's certainly possible that they could be, as they're usually giant vague goals with a huge timeframe and no structure. That type of goal can be pretty hard to achieve.

That's why this year (yet again), I am making achievable resolutions. Here we go!

1) Be friendlier. This means to just try to start conversations with friends more, keep in touch better, and to call my existing friends more.

2) Be less self-centered in conversations. This isn't something I do on purpose, but it's kind of been conditioned. A long time ago, I heard that it's good in a conversation, when someone is talking about something they're going through, to relate it to something that happened to you. It's supposed to show that you're sympathetic. In practice, however, it seems that this method instead makes people think you only care about your own problems and not theirs. But now this habit is so deeply ingrained that I am going to have to work hard to consciously break it, and focus more on other people's issues in conversation.

3) Wear sunblock more. I would like to put a tube of sunblock on my bathroom counter, in plain view, to help me remember to wear it every day. If I don't remember it every day, that's cool, but just wearing it more regularly and making a habit of it would really help.

4) Eat better. This one may be unachievable, but I'd like to cut down on beer (no beer purchases for my house and try to pick wine when I'm out, instead) and sugary stuff. Just make a conscious effort.

I think that's plenty. The friendlier one is going to be a real challenge. I hope I'm up to it!

Lighten Up, Ladies

2009-12-17T12:56:00.000-05:00

I love Nellie McKay. :)

Car Nightmare

2009-12-17T11:14:00.004-05:00

So, the insurance companies (all of them) have denied my claim, blaming each other for it. I don't know if I should sue or not. I am so angry, and I just feel really powerless.

In the meantime, I have 1.72 million things to do to get the new car ready. Here's what I have to do, in the order in which I have to do it:

1) Have old car picked up by Kidney Foundation - Due date: Dec 20, 2009
2) Get Volvo insured. (Good news - it will cost 20¢ less per year than to insure my other car!) Due date: Dec 21, 2009
3) Acquire temporary parking pass (these are only good for 15 days max) Due date: Dec 23, 2009
4) Get Volvo inspected - Due date: Jan 14, 2010
5) Get Volvo registered - Due date: Jan 14, 2010 (assuming it passes inspection)
6) Get Zone 1 parking permit - Due date: Jan 14, 2010
7) Transfer tags- Due date - Jan 14, 2010

Yes, I know that is only 7 things, and not 1.72 million, but each of the 7 major steps involves a lot of other little things, like finding my title and signing it over to the Kidney Foundation, removing my old tags, digging up several documents required by the DC DMV to do anything at all, making trips to the DC Police Dept for permits, making phone calls, etc.

But I will be *so* relieved when I have a car again! Thank you, thank you, thank you mom and dad!

And R.I.P. Swamp Thing. You will be sorely missed. ♥ ♥ ♥

I Have Plans, Too!

2009-12-15T16:08:00.002-05:00

Sapna just posted her upcoming plans, and I *love* making posts like that, so I am going to copy her and do it, too.

Tonight: Clean house frantically, Dean comes over & we drive out to see lights
12/16 - work & derby (note: I leave for derby @ 6:30 and return @ 11 pm, so "work & derby" is a decidedly full day and night)
12/17 - work & derby
12/18 - work & derby
12/19 - a.m. - buy ingredients for party and Schumacher xmas dinner, early p.m. - derby bout!!, late p.m. - Xmas party with friends
12/20 - Schumacher Christmas @ Dean's
12/21 - work & derby
12/22 - work & derby & packing
12/23 - packing & travel to Williamsburg
12/24 - Gavilan family Christmas party
12/25 - Christmas!
12/26 - birthday fun w/ Dean and family
12/27 - Richmond birthday fun w/ Sap and Jenny
12/28 - 12/30 - chiiiiiillllll (return to DC 12/30)
12/31 - party w/ KChrises, Hyla, et al? party w/ Joy and Luana? party w/ Magnus?
1/1 - clean house (a new year's tradition!)
1/2 - Richmond for sleepover w/ Sap, Jenny, Joy & Luana
1/3 - brunch w/ friends? 10 mile run w/ Rosie, mentally prep to return to work

Yay!

You Lost My Sympathy When You Attacked Your Spouse

2009-12-15T12:21:00.011-05:00

The celeb mags are going nuts this week with an outpouring of support for Elin Nordegren. I don't give a crap about Elin Nordegren's "ordeal." I don't feel badly for her that Tiger Woods cheated with countless women. I mean, that sucks for her, and a few weeks ago, I would have really felt for her. Not today.

Why? Because she clawed her husband's face and chased him with a golf club (I suspect she may have also struck him with it before he made it to the car to flee from her). It is suspected that she chased the car, struck it with the golf club several times while it was moving, and was responsible for a crash that landed him in the hospital with serious injuries. The second you escalate a verbal argument to physical abuse, you lose my sympathy.

Was Elin Nordegren emotionally hurt? Probably. Probably pretty badly. Was she embarrassed, humiliated, angry? I'd bank on it. But that is not an excuse to physically abuse your spouse. Not for a man or for a woman.

Imagine if the tables were turned, and Tiger landed Elin in the hospital because she had cheated. Would we care about the "ordeal" she put him through? Hell, no. We'd scream for his head. Or, I would, at least. The public has a way of putting its heros and celebrities above the law.

Domestic partner violence is not okay. It's not excusable. So, sorry, Elin. I don't care about your ordeal. Given the opportunity, I'd put you through a tougher ordeal - jail.

PAR-TAY!

2009-12-11T13:39:00.006-05:00

Tonight is the annual office holiday party, which is just kicking off a lot of Christmas funtimes! But mostly I'm just blogging so you can see the dress I bought and am wearing. What do you think?

I should also mention that these photos were taken on my crappy office webcam, so the color is a little off. Allison encouraged my to buy this dress, and I'm glad she did! Yay for parties!

Decisions, Decisions!

2009-12-09T11:59:00.002-05:00

So, it looks like my car is a total loss.

My car's value was determined to be $2510 (so, *so* not the case. my car is worth $575, blue book).

If I decide to consider the car totaled, and let them take it away, I'll get $2510.

If I decide to fix the car and make it driveable, I'll get less (maybe $1900?) and keep the car. I'm sure I could make the car driveable for less than that.

But I want a new car. And $2510 would be a big dent in the cost of a new Smart Car.

But I am still pretty broke, and financially, the better decision is to fix it. Sigh. I just don't know.

Retro Patriarchy Is SO In Right Now

2009-12-09T10:01:00.008-05:00

Mad Men is a good show. I like it. But I feel like there's a major problem with it. See, it's so historically accurate (at least, according to my parents it is) that it's jarring. We've come so far that it's unsettling to see how we used to live our lives.

For women, I think watching something like Mad Men helps us appreciate the lives we can lead now, horrifies us when we watch what the female characters go through. Peggy isn't taken seriously in her job, Betty is imprisoned in her home -- a beautiful accessory to Don, Joan's main goal in life is to find a husband to take care of her, and the Drapers' divorced single mother neighbor is ostracized.

And, for most of us, Peggy is our favorite character because she constantly fights against it. She works her way up and stands up to her male colleagues. But they hate her for it.

I think that when men watch a show like Mad Men, they feel nostalgic. They're wistful for the time when women were just accessories, when they could freely condescend to women, joke about their lack of intelligence, treat them badly, beat them, and sleep around without consequences (because their wives had no means of supporting themselves, so where could they turn?). Men had free reign over women. Sure, men also provided for women financially, and good men cared for their wives in other ways, but I think very few men saw women as their equals or partners.

And now we're seeing a trend in advertising that plays on this wistfulness that men feel for the lost times when they were in charge of women. The worst offender is this Docker's ad:

What makes this truly awful is that it talks about men being men (50 years ago) in contrast to men being women (today ... horror of horrors)! The whole reason that feminism is good for men is that, in addition to giving women more choices and more freedom, it does the same for men. With feminism, men can drink foamy lattes and eat tofu and help raise their children without their manhood being called into question. Feminism allows both men and women to be whoever they want to be. This ad does the opposite of that. It strives to define women as weak and needing help (oh, we can't open doors or cross the street without men!), and defines men in contrast to that weakness. That boxes both men and women in. To say that women are helpless and men are strong (and responsible for women) puts a lot of pressure on men, and demeans women. Also, is it blaming feminism for cities crumbling and children misbehaving?

The other thing that really ticks me off about this ad is the line "there are questions our genderless society has no answers for." Like what, Dockers? What questions require distinct gender roles to answer? I love the idea of a genderless society. Why not let everyone just be who they want to be and choose who they want to be with and leave gender out of it. Let's stop forcing people into a set of prescribed behaviors based on their sex, how 'bout, and let people decide what kind of person they want to be?

Let's move on to the next ad:

Ketel One vodka. This is full of Mad Men-esque nostalgia, and it does do a little bit of defining men in contrast to women or femininity (who drinks vodka from perfume bottles, though?). According to this ad, real men drink vodka with real men because they're tough and decisive, etc. It's using an antiquated idea of masculinity to sell liquor. It's playing on that nostalgia men feel for being in charge and feeling powerful. And we all want to feel powerful.

Still, you'd never see an ad reminiscing about when men were men and controlled huge plantations of slaves. They had enormous homes and lots of wealth and responsibility, but no one feels wistful for those times. Because controlling another man is wrong. Taking away another man's will is wrong. But women... well, that's different.

Ugh. I am just disgusted. :(

Roller Skating in a Winter Wonderland

2009-12-07T10:51:00.005-05:00

I am really happy right now.

First of all, we won our bout last night! Slappy holidays! It's a first-ever win for me, and I loved it. Sure, I still made some mistakes, and I still need to work on being aggressive and hitting, hitting, hitting, but I did some great stuff, too, and I can feel the improvement. I felt like I contributed to the win, which is awesome!

Also, the holidays are approaching and I am excited! Dean and I decorated his house and mine, made (awful) mulled wine, listened to Christmas carols and went shopping several times. I am filled with the holiday spirit, and I don't mean liquor. I have bought a lot of my gifts already (though I really need to get Dean's ASAP ... I know what I'm getting... just need to do it). And I know what I'm getting everyone else. It's just a matter of actually going and doing it, and most of them won't take much time at all.

So it's December 7 now, and I have but two weeks left of work before more than a full week off! And in the meantime I have....

Friday, Dec 11 - AED Holiday Party
Saturday, Dec 12 - DCRG Craft Fair
Saturday, Dec 19 - derby bout + party w/ friends
Sunday, Dec 20 - Christmas w/ Dean's family
Weds, Dec 23 - go home!
Thurs, Dec 24 - Christmas party @ folks'
Friday, Dec 25 - Christmas!
Saturday, Dec 26 - 31st birthday :( and :)

So, it's going to be some fun times, let me tell you. And I don't even think I'm going to be flat broke from Christmas this year. I'm trying to be really frugal, and find great stuff that's also cheap. I hope everyone likes their gifts.

And I can't wait for the Charm City bout coming up. I hope we don't get totally crushed. But bouting experience is bouting experience!

Hooray for the holidays! :) :) :)

Have I Mentioned That I Love Kate Harding?

2009-12-02T14:41:00.003-05:00

From her Salon post about dating advice books ....

"Or maybe that's just how it is with my husband and me. Oh yes, I have one of those! Which makes me exactly as qualified to offer dating advice as Fein and Schneider were in 1995. Based on my experience as a successful husband-getter, I can tell you that all of the following behaviors are proven 100 percent effective in leading to marriage (and even a holiday season proposal!): Making the first move; having a first date that lasts three days; calling him frequently; moving in together after two months; publicly declaring that you won't apologize for being fat and are never going on another friggin' diet; telling him to suck it when he mentions that sweat pants aren't the most flattering sartorial choice you've ever made; offering a cranky feminist critique of every movie you see together; making no effort to conceal the fact that you're at least as smart as he is; blogging the early days of your relationship; talking early, often and in-depth about subjects including your ex-boyfriends, your dead mother, politics, religion, patriarchy and yeast infections; not knowing for sure if you ever want to get married, anyway; and living together for two years without really worrying about it.

So, as a certified relationship expert (I do, after all, have a legal document from the state of Nevada identifying me as someone a genuine male person agreed to marry), I can assure you that no matter who you really are or what you really want out of a relationship, it all boils down to one simple fact: Men want short-tempered, poorly dressed fat feminists who have sex on the first date and never stop talking.

You might not like hearing it, desperate single women, but I'm just telling it like it is."

Two Bouts This Month!

2009-12-01T15:32:00.002-05:00

Dec 6 @ Wilmington, DE -- vs. WCRR Skater Tots

Dec 19 @ home (DC Armory) -- vs. Charm City Female Trouble

Sooooo excited! And I feel like we may even have a shot at winning in the Skater Tots bout! Go DCRG!

It's Not About The Sparkles

2009-12-01T08:58:00.003-05:00

So, I saw New Moon a few weeks ago. It was totally ridiculous. Kinda fun, but truly ridiculous.

A lot of articles and blog posts have been claiming that the success of the Twilight books, with all of Edward's creepy, controling overprotectiveness show that women really just want to be cared for and protected and emotionally abused, after all. I call bullshit.

The draw of the books isn't Edward's controlling behavior. That's actually pretty offputting ... especially when Jacob's right there, looking hot and acting normal and fun. I think there are two main attractions two the books. One is the crazy sexual tension that takes for-ever to be resolved. You keep reading because you want them to do it, already.

But I think the main draw is Edward's over-the-top feelings for Bella. He thinks she's perfect. He loves her unwaveringly. She doesn't worry that he'll dump her for Jessica next week. She's only average-looking (in the books, anyway), but he thinks she's extraordinarily beautiful. Perfect, even. While that may be a bit icky in real life, in books it's compelling. Edward's love for Bella is constant. He thinks she is perfect in every way. He loves her completely, even (or especially) her flaws (which he doesn't percieve as flaws).

That's the draw. We all want someone who loves the parts of us that we can't love... someone whose favorite things about us are the things we've never been able to feel good about, ourselves. We want someone whose love for us is complete and forever and secure. We want to be with someone we never worry will abandon us for someone better looking or funnier or thinner or smarter.... who won't want to stray when we're fat and wrinkled, and who doesn't feel like he's settling. Sparkly, perfect Edward isn't settling for dowdy Bella. He's not with her because she's just the best he could do, even though there's someone better out there. To him, she is the best. And we all want to feel like the best.

So, I don't feel guilty about enjoying these books. Embarrassed, maybe, but not guilty. I like a little escapism in which I can feel that it's possible to be wholly loved by a sparkly vampire who would could never ever hurt me because he loves me so damn much. Denying bloodlust is, after all, the truest love.

I'm in a Washingtonian.com video!

2009-11-19T15:33:00.002-05:00

I don't know yet if I made it into the print article...

But you should look for me! I'm on there at least 5 times. I'm most easily found at the very end, mouth breathing, followed by doing a rockstar, but I'm all over that thing. Play "Where's Peaches." Hint: I'm not wearing a red and white striped sweater and hat.

Hell on Wheels: DC Roller Girls from Emma Patti on Vimeo.

U-Turn

2009-11-19T12:13:00.002-05:00

I'm on it. I am on top of this bummed thing. I don't know how it will pan out, but I applied for six jobs today. Just today.

Maybe my resumes are going into the abyss and I'll never hear back from anyone (they're external jobs, so it's likely). Or, maybe I'll hear something. At least I'm doing something to try to fix things.

Dean came over last night and I was a total grouch/sad mess the whole time. But it was good just to get it all out and get a hug. Dean was awesome and supportive. :) Now I can focus on fixing things. Wish me luck!

I Am The Magical Lumpfish

2009-11-18T09:24:00.004-05:00

Not really. It was just a post title on Cute Overload, and I thought it was awesome, so I stole it.

In other news, I think I have officially crossed over into depressed territory. I would consider seeing someone about it, except that I have negative 40 mintues to do it. And really, all I need to do to start feeling better is carve out more time for myself and then use that time to fix my life some. The problem is that the only way to carve out time is to cut out stuff I love -- less time with derby or less time with Dean (not gonna happen).

Maybe I'll start going to derby less, and completely ignore all of my other friends (sorry, guys). I just need some time to dedicate to finding a better job. I need time to buy groceries and cook so I stop eating out so much and can save money. I need time to work out more, to boost my mood.

Where do people find for-profit jobs? Where are they listed? I depend on idealist and devnet for hippie poorly-paid jobs, but have no clue where to go for regular jobs. Tips?

In the Immortal Words of Spoon

2009-11-16T09:06:00.006-05:00

Give me something to look forward to. I mean, I'm looking forward to going to NY for Thanksgiving, and all, but I'm thinking longer-term.

I have just been feeling down recently. I feel like my life is standing still, and worse, that there's nothing I can do about it. Normally when things feel this way, I take action to improve my life. This time, I'm very limited in what I can do; I'm not the one in control.

Right now, I hate my job. I really, really want a new job. I've applied for a few internal jobs, and interviewed for them, but they already had someone else in mind for both, and I was told as much in the interviews (they almost always have someone in mind). I need to apply for more external jobs, but it's so hard to get external jobs ... I wonder if I'll be wasting my time. But, yeah, I need to just make some time for that. Money is a big issue for me right now, and I just need a better paying job.

Derby is going nowhere. There's no sign of a draft on the horizon, so I'm just killing myself week after week for no real reason. I'm the chair of the scouting committee, I'm the "retired rollergirl wrangler," I contribute a ton to the creative committee (including doing graphic design on bout flyers, making posters, etc.), I volunteer at every event and every bout, I'm putting up posters all over town, and the bout committee recently asked me to join. Not to mention the fact that I'm making as perfect attendance as possible. It'll be at least a few more months of this before they even think about diong another draft. And now there are two transfer skaters in the mix, too. Roar!

There's other stuff, too. But I'm just really stressed, and feeling trapped. This would normally be the point at which I move out of the country for a year, but I can't even do that right now. Well, I could, I guess, but it's not an ideal option.

I have just been a giant ball of stress about a lot of this lately. :( I'm tired, and I've been working hard, and I need to feel like my life is progressing in a postive way, and I just don't have that right now.

Weekend!

2009-11-13T11:59:00.003-05:00

So, this weekend, I want to clean up my house. That's it.

No derby events. No derby practice. Nothing at all derby related.

Just clean my house. And hang out with Dean. And go to lunch on Sunday with Magnus.

Hooray! Down time!

Dean is Coming Home Tomorrow!

2009-11-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Yay!

Chillin' in the Meat Locker

2009-11-09T17:05:00.003-05:00

I was talking to another newbie the other day (not a ML babe, but a first season player), and she said that she wished she'd had more time to build her skills before bouting. She thought more time in the meat locker would have been better, because you can attend all league practices and work on your skills and maybe do a B-Team bout or two to build confidence before being thrown into the lion's den of a real-life bout.

When we did the draft last time around, it was mentioned to me that there was a plan to normalize spending a longish time in the meat locker. Or at least to spend longer in it.

I have to say, I don't think this is a great idea.

Being in the meat locker is hard. I don't feel like I'm really a part of the league. I know that technically I am, but I don't feel integrated. The teams all break up and talk to just each other, even when putting gear on before practice. Every practice feels like something to prove, not something to learn. I feel like I'm constantly being watched, evaluated, and generally found to come up short.

And when people join roller derby, they don't join up for the privilege of skating themselves stinky four times a week.

We're there because we want to bout. We want to be on a team and have fans cheer for our team and have someone to cheer for (MLBs can't cheer for anyone, lest we look partial). We want to wear a uniform and coordinated makeup or wheels or whatever and pledge to kick the other team's collective ass.

Instead, we have to work twice as hard as everyone else. We're expected to go to more practices, to earn more service points, to have the best attitudes ... all to prove our dedication and desire to be great team skaters. But I'm getting burned out. I don't want to go to practice all the time. I don't want to worry about whether there'll be enough spots on the teams for me this time around, only to find that I've been passed over again, and that my consolation prize is to spend the next few months hoping someone will retire.

It's physically and emotionally exhausting.

I told the newbie I was talking to about it last week that if I got passed over again, I was giving it up. Full stop. But I know that's probably a lie. I do love derby, and I'd miss it, and I'd miss the people. So I don't know what I'd do, really. But for now, I'm tired, and I'd really like a break. Can't take one, though. It'd look bad.

Day Maker

2009-11-05T16:48:00.001-05:00

This video made my whole day. I am happy now.

Watch it!

Gymming

2009-11-05T14:01:00.003-05:00

I went to the gym today! It was my first time at the gym since ... oh, say August. Maybe early September. When my knee started healing, I tried to do the stationary bike, but I wasn't ready and I did it totally wrong.

This is all part of my go-to-the-gym-on-non-derby-days plan. So I went today, and it felt great, and I am looking forward to going again tomorrow. Tomorrow is a derby day, but I want to go anyway.

Oh, and I have a new goal. My new goal is to maintain my weight (or lose) between now and Jan 1. I probably should lose about 10 lbs, but ... meh. If it happens, that'd be cool, but I'm not going to starve myself for it. I weighed myself at the gym today, and that scale is going to be my gauge.

Does Not Compute

2009-11-03T09:02:00.002-05:00

Dean is leaving town for a few weeks. I am going to miss him a lot. But I'm trying to focus on the positive - namely, that I will have more down time at home. My plan was to use said down time to really thoroughly clean my house (not done since Jan 1), maybe take some old stuff to Goodwill ... that kind of thing.

Instead, I'm looking at my schedule, and I'm still ridiculously busy. How does this happen? Here's what it looks like:

Tonight - Derby (scrimmage!)
tomorrow night - p/u Dean and Boo Cat - Dean stays overnight so he can metro to the airport
Thursday night - start cleaning house
Friday night - derby
Saturday early morning - clean house some more
Saturday late morning - Witchcrafty comes over and we work on December bout flyer
Saturday afternoon/evening - Hot Topic appearance in Springfield
Saturday night - finish cleaning house? and/or go to Trader Joe's
Sunday morning - Trader Joe's and/or regular grocery shopping
Sunday afternoon - knitting with Krissy and maybe Colleen
Sunday night - take a breath. Pet the Boo cat.

And that's just tonight through Sunday. Next week I'll have all the same derby night-time commitments, plus I'll probably hang out with Magnus at some point. Maybe next weekend will be a good time to relax some. :) More knitting, a long run maybe. That'd be nice.

Wish me down time!

S-U-C-C-E-S-S

2009-11-02T10:29:00.002-05:00

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... noticeable, measurable progress in derby!

When I started, I couldn't do the required 20 laps in 5 minutes. I usually did a 5:09, or something like that (I think my best was a 4:58). Then, by the time I did my WFTDA, they'd changed the requirements to 25 laps in 5 minutes. I squeaked by with 25 laps in 4:48.

This past week, we all did a 25 laps time trial just as part of practice, and I did it in 4:27! That's a major improvement! It puts me squarely in the middle of the league, speed-wise. Most jammers do anywhere from a sub 4 minutes (I think the best was 3:56) to about 4:16. Some of the slower people in the league can't break 5 minutes, so I'm doing pretty well!

ZOOM!

Lying to Myself

2009-11-02T10:16:00.004-05:00

Okay, it's time to get back into the gym. I've been kidding myself about being fit for awhile now. Sure, I was in good shape back in August, before I hurt my knee, when I was 20-miles deep in marathon training, but it's not August anymore.

Ever since I hurt my knee, the only exercise I've been doing is derby. Granted, derby is no joke, and it's usually at least 3x/week, but I feel like I need to do more to be fit ... for me. Derby is a lot more muscle strengthening than consistent cardio. You'll have crazy bouts of hard cardio, but only for a minute or two. What derby really works are your muscles -- all of 'em. So I need to build in some more cardio to my week.

Here's the plan:
on derby days, I'll just do derby
on non derby days, I'll go to the gym on my lunchbreak
one weekend day each week, I'll work in a mid-length run (8-10 miles?)

I also want to start focusing more on what I eat. Having so little time, I've really sacrificed healthy eating, and I just want to incorporate more cooking into my life. I eat so much more healthfully when I cook the food myself. And it's cheaper. And it often tastes better.

So, starting on Wednesday (my first non-derby day), I'll commence my lunchtime gym-going. Starting today, I'm going to try to eat better. Wish me luck and health!

Torn, Just Like Natalie Imbruglia

2009-10-21T09:19:00.004-04:00

I think I cracked a rib. I've been reading up on it online, and it sounds like what it is. Sharp pain around the area when I breathe deeply or laugh or cough or sneeze. Pain when it's touched. Difficulty breathing. The only thing I don't seem to have is bruising, which is not always present in cracked ribs, anyway.

Cracked ribs take 6 months to heal.

Of course, this happened just days before I'm supposed to play in my first bout. Damn, I really wanted to play in that bout.

Last night I met Annie Lethal-hits, a returning skater who broke her ankle at her first practice after being drafted to a team. She was out for 8 months, and is now back. Maybe I could do something like that? Of course, she has to start all over, but...

My dad hurt his back when he was in his 30s, and it still gives him trouble. The more you seriously injure yourself when you're young, the more it hurts you when you're older.

I really want to bout this Sunday as a zombie (we're playing against witches), but, as my mom said, "Is it really worth landing yourself in a wheelchair?"

I don't know what to do. :(

Exciting!

2009-10-20T09:07:00.002-04:00

I will be bouting in my first ever bout this Sunday! It's a charity bout in Virginia Beach. I will be a zombie, and we will be bouting against witches! YAY! I can't wait!

You should come! Tickets are $13 at the door, $11 in advance!

PS - Note that I created a new tag today. I think derby should get its own tag here, and not just "exercise and fitness."

Awesome Quote of the Day

2009-10-19T15:18:00.005-04:00

From Shapely Prose, on the perceived inability of men to control themselves around women:

"Underlying this argument, along with a host of other scuzzy notions, is the same idea Saletan spikes and the Navy wives catch: that taking a “womanly body” out in public is an a priori invitation for male attention. Of course dudes think they can get up in your grill — you’re standing there being a lady at them, after all."

Hmmm.... I should definitely try not being a woman in public, if I want to avoid being harrassed. I can't believe I never thought of this!

R&R

2009-10-19T09:21:00.005-04:00

Whew. What a week.

I had roller derby a lot last week. I had a few job interviews. I saw Dean a few times. I got really, really sick on Friday night. I am wrecked, and I need rest. (Although, I must say, this weekend did feel more restful than most weekends, and I'm not in too bad of shape, for how sick I was on Friday and how busy I was last week.)

But, of course, there's no rest for the weary. Tonight I need to finish cleaning my house and buy groceries. [ The kitchen is mostly in good shape now, post-weird-sink-explosion-thing. Yeah. I got home last weekend and the whole house stank and I couldn't figure why, until I saw that all my dishes and the kitchen floor and countertops were coated in this black sludge. Apparently, while Dean and I were at Steamtown, the kitchen sink backed up, and my sink and my next door neighbor's sink regurgitated all of the crud from all 5 floors of my building. Just an awesome benefit of being in the basement apartment. So I cleaned up a lot of it during the week, but just finished that up last night (it got into the drawers, into my stash of plastic bags to re-use, and soaked my dishtowels... blech).]

Tomorrow night and Wednesday night are derby nights. Thursday night I'm going to skip derby (it's at Eisenhower) and hang out with Dean. Friday night I'm flyering at 9:30 and Black Cat. Saturday morning, derby again. Saturday night Allison is having a Halloween party. I assume I'll spend the rest of the weekend with Dean. I was going to do a derby bootcamp on Sunday in Baltimore, but Dean's leaving town for two weeks next week (boo), so I want to spend as much time with him as possible before he goes.

I figure I can go another week without too much rest. Dean will be gone two weeks, and I'll have some extra downtime then. Whatever will I do with myself?

I really need to knit some gloves. Anyone have a good pattern? I want to make a nice pair of warm, full-finger (not hobo) gloves. Post a link in comments if you have a good pattern. Thanks!

UPDATE: I am going to knit these gloves.

Dean Ran A Marathon!

2009-10-13T15:28:00.003-04:00

And I am so proud of him! He even met his awesome time goal of sub-4 hours, and finished in 3:56! W O W !!

Way to go, honey. You are the awesome-est!

Everything Hits At Once

2009-10-12T15:28:00.003-04:00

So, I didn't get drafted. Again. According to Rad and Snap, DCRG tends to draft bout-ready skaters only, and injured folks are automatically out of the equation. Even though last week was my last week at less than 100%. So now I have to wait another 3 months and hope that there's another draft when they say there's going to be another draft, and hope that I don't get passed over again.

Also, I applied for a bunch of jobs. I talked to HR today about the one I wanted most, and they told me that the project director already knew who they wanted and was just essentially going through the motions of the process. Waste of my time.

I am having a very unhappy day.

Next Draft Happens THIS SATURDAY NIGHT!

2009-10-08T15:40:00.004-04:00

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

So nervous!

UPDATE (Friday, 5:30 p.m.) - Still freaking out.

UPDATE (Monday morning) - Didn't make it. Boo. :(

Links Roundup

2009-10-08T11:06:00.003-04:00

There's a lot of amazing stuff floating around on the blogs I love these days, and I just don't have time to address everything, so here are a few posts that I highly recommend you read:

The F-Word on how fat-hating makes everything worse for everyone.

Ill Doctrine on Polanski (I love Jay Smooth!).

Shapely Prose on Schrodinger's Rapist (includes at least one paragraph that sums up everything I'd love to say to street harrassers).

In short, yes, yes, and YES. Exactly what I was thinking, awesome bloggers, only phrased much more eloquently than I would.

PS - Coming up (when I have the time), a lengthy post on I Am Charlotte Simmons, by Tom Wolfe.

I Never Gave A Damn About Fashion Until I Saw This

2009-10-07T11:06:00.011-04:00

Alexander McQueen. Holy moly. This stuff is AMAZING. Love it, love it, love it!

The stuff you find on his site is more conservative, but still great. Especially the shoes! Yay! I love the fabric prints in the new collection, and I wish I could buy it! I'm so excited about this, and I have no outlet for it, since I could never in a bazillion years afford the clothes. Sniff!

This is DEFINITELY how I would dress if I were rich, and could therefore a) afford the clothes and b) not be bound by any sort of office dress code.

Roman Polanski Should Rot in Jail

2009-10-02T15:12:00.009-04:00

I can't believe this is even a debate.

This man lured a 13-year old girl to his home, drugged her, and anally-raped her. How could anyone suggest we just forget about it, and let him go?

Here are the arguments:

1) He's old now - Yes, and he was old when he raped a 13-year old girl

2) It was a long time ago - Yes, because he was hiding from the law for 26 years after raping a 13 year old girl

3) But he's famous - I don't give a crap. He's a rapist, and should rot in jail.

4) He's already paid for his crimes in lawyer fees and damage to his reputation and not being able to accept his Oscar in person: That's not how you "pay" for rape. Oh, and he couldn't accept his Oscar because landing on U.S. soil would land him in jail for raping a 13 year old girl. And a rapist deserves a reputation as a rapist.

5) But the victim doesn't want the case pursued - As Melissa so eloquently pointed out, criminals are prosecuted for the benefit of the community, not solely the vicitim, and most pedophiles are repeat offenders.

This man is a criminal. He assaulted a young teenage girl. He took advantage of her naivete, lied to her, lured her into his home, and raped her, even after she repeatedly told her no. I don't care that it happened in 1977. I certainly don't care that he's rich and famous, or that he has powerful friends. This man is a rapist. He should go to jail.

P.S. - Attention News Media: Forcing one's penis into a girl's anus is not "having sex." It is rape. Roman Polanski did not "have sex with a 13 year old girl," he RAPED her. Please correct this in all future articles about the case.

News N Stuff

2009-10-02T09:18:00.005-04:00

Dean and I went with the Cherry Blossom Bombshells to see Whip It! last night. It was pretty cute. I recommend it, especially for ... say ... teen and tween girls. I think if I were 14, this would have been my second favorite movie, after the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (which I am also now way too old to really appreciate, but highly recommend for girls).

I feel a little bit overwhelmed. Just really busy is all, and I don't see it letting up for a while. There's always derby practice 2-3 nights per week. And now my weekends are just jam packed. This weekend we're hanging out with Sapna tomorrow day and then Krissy, Colleen, Hyla, Teri and their boys that night. Sunday is Allison's birthday, so I'm going to head over there to do birthday things with her and the boys (unless she made plans ... I'll have to check in). I'm hoping I'll get an invite to the Bombshells team practice on Sunday, too, but that probably won't happen.

Next weekend is Steamtown (!). The following weekend is the apple festival (!). Then we have a free weekend (yay!) before the bout (!) and probably Treatfest weekend. But there's derby stuff I should be doing pretty much every weekend, and I just can't do it. I feel like I'm letting people down. It's actually incredibly difficult to juggle roller derby with any other extracurriculars - friends, boyfriend, hobbies ... anything. It just takes up your whole life. And the thing is, I want to do it. I love doing derby stuff, but I don't want to bail on everything else.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes. And Dust. And Sweat.

2009-09-30T08:42:00.005-04:00

I watch a lot of Hulu. More than I should. But this is not the point.

I've been seeing a lot of ads for Latisse. These ads bother me. See, Latisse is an FDA-approved prescription drug for a disorder called "hypotrichosis," or inadequate eyelashes.

Hypotrichosis is probably a real problem for .0002% of the population. If you have it, you probably get a lot of stuff in your eyes, and it's probably painful. But Latisse isn't advertised that way. It's advertised as a beauty product. A beauty product that may permanently pigment your eyelids and irises. So, the price you pay for adequate lashes may be that it turns your blue eyes brown and your eyelids, too. Not to mention the more serious risk of glaucoma. How obsessed are we, as a culture, with looks that this product is successful?

And this is a prescription drug, which means that the FDA spent money approving a cure for short eyelashes. Scientists researched it. It was tested on the desperate, inadequately lashed masses, willing to try any experimental cure for their illness. Hold on, AIDS and cancer. We'll get to you, but only when the entire population looks like Bugs Bunny dressed up as girl bunny. It doesn't matter if we're dying from disease, as long as we look good doing it.

The fishiest part of the ad? Spokeswoman Brooke Shields (who knew she suffered in silence for so long?) responsibly recommends talking to your doctor about Latisse, but also suggests logging onto Latisse.com to find the doctor. Methinks some doctors' pockets may be lined with ill-gotten gold (beware the doctors with luscious lashes).

Next Draft - Predictions

2009-09-24T16:19:00.015-04:00

Okay, I was pretty wrong last time. Let's see how I do on my draft guesses this time! At this point, we don't know exactly when the draft will be. Snap (CBB captain) says it will probably be sometime next week, but a few good skaters still haven't finished their WFTDAs, so it may be further postponed. Sigh.

Number of spots available:
Cherry Blossom Bombshells - 6
DC Demoncats - 4
Scare Force One - 3
Total - 13
(note: teams are unlikely to completely fill their rosters)

Skaters in the meat locker:
Peaches (moi)
Lady Burn Johnson
Slick
Slamcracker
Bad Asset
Hook 'n' SlasHer
Jerk Alert
Audacious Rebel
Queen Kamayhemayhem
Yankee Scandal
Nubian Nemesis
Amy B. (maybe?)
Total - 12

WILL be drafted --- UPDATE, what actually happened (10/12/09) in bold
Burn (DCDC) - Yes
Jerk (SF1) - Yes
Slick - Yes (DCDC)
Audacious - Not drafted
Mayhem - Yes (CBB)

Might be drafted (if teams want full-ish rosters):
BadAss - Not drafted
Nemesis - Yes (CBB)
Slash - Not drafted
Peaches (dare to dream?) - Not drafted

Unlikely to be drafted:
Scandal - Drafted (CBB)
Slam - Not drafted

If the captains care that I'm not back 100% yet, and haven't done my league WFTDA for the season, maybe switch me with Scandal. (UPDATE: DCRG only drafts bout-ready skaters, and an injury essentially disqualifies you from the draft. Wish someone had told me that).

Buzz buzz buzz!

2009-09-24T10:09:00.004-04:00

I am a busy bee this week.

Tonight (Thursday): Roller derby practice + stay at Allison's house
Tomorrow night (Friday): Joy comes to visit, Dean's hanging out with us, too
Saturday - free day ... hang out with Dean, no plans :) Prolly clean house, buy groceries.
Sunday - Roller derby bout - working ref assist, volunteer, making paper fans
Monday - Roller derby practice
Tuesday - Roller derby practice, Teri and Alex come to visit!
Wednesday - Roller derby practice (should I skip this one, maybe, and hang w/ Dean instead?)
Thursday - Teri and Alex return from C-ville. Maybe stay with me, maybe stay with de-catted Stankopins. Probably fun times with those folks, of some variety.

So that's one full week of busy-ness (except for Saturday). I am embarrassed 'cause Joy is going to see my house pretty much looking like a pit. I won't be home to clean it, and she's meeting me at work. Yikes. I hope she'll understand!

Also, when oh when are they doing the next draft? I am on the edge of my seat, here, people.